Ray's musings and humor

Archive for November, 2007

He’s back

Walking isn’t a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

Evan Esar

 

 

First I want to thank those of you who sent me your best wishes for me to have successful heart surgery. It worked! The doctors are optimistic that they were able to eliminate the sources of my extraneous heartbeats and that I now have a good chance of staying Atrial Fibrillation free. It was a long procedure and I was in operating rooms from about 8 AM until around 4 PM fortunately I was sedated for a major part of the time. I was not a trouble free patient so they had to really knock me out.

I was out of the hospital and home to bed the second day and am yet to drive but will do so in a day or two. Other than some discomfort from the actual incisions and a sore throat from the Trans Esophageal Echo (TEE) test they had to do before doing the heart ablation I am doing pretty well. The TEE is where they stick this length of sewer pipe down your throat to make sure there are no problems that would complicate the surgery; it is kind of like a reverse Colonoscopy except that this leaves its presence known in your throat for days after.

I had to go in for a blood draw this morning but unfortunately my blood has not thinned down enough so I have to continue giving myself shots for a couple more days, and that’s no fun. They’ll check me again Wednesday morning and hopefully I will be able to stop the shots.

I will increase my activity each day and plan on attending our City’s annual International Festival next Sunday afternoon. After that watch out, I hope to become as active as I use to be.

Today I started my weight loss program and plan on being back on the treadmill in a week or two. I have a lot of weight to loose and a lot of stamina to regain.

 

Again thanks for being my friend and for your prayers and good thoughts.

~~~

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

~~~

He said: Both sides of our family turned out for my wife’s college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the cum laudes please stand up"?

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

~~~

"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."

Samuel Johnson

~~~

As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit to deserving students. One year, I decided to change the format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my initials.

I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all had identical reactions: a long silence followed by an apology for not having any in stock.

On my last call, there was the silence, but then the salesman asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"

~~~

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

~~~

Consider the case of Frederick II, an 18th-century king of Prussia. Frederick fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion, he is supposed to have interested himself in the conditions of a Berlin prison. He was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners.  

One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.  

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick’s curiosity was aroused.  

"You," he called. "You, there!"  

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, your majesty?"  

"Why are you here?"  

"Armed robbery, your majesty."  

"And are you guilty?"  

"Entirely guilty, your majesty. I richly deserve my punishment."  

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it."  

~~~

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

Arnold Glasgow

~~~

Bubba Dean goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba Dean slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.

When it’s his turn the preacher says, "Bubba Dean, what ya want me to pray about?"

Bubba Dean says, "Preacher, I need ya to pray for my hearin’."

So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba Dean’s right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Bubba Dean’s left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Bubba Dean, how’s your hearin’ now?"

Bubba Dean says, "I don’t know Preacher, it ain’t ’til 10:00 next Wednesday mornin’."

~~~

It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined.

Henry James

~~~

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye. "What about our three children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I got."

~~~

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

~~~

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.

"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them.

"Oh, that’s easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog."

~~~

Life is short, break the rules.

Forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.

Unknown

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

He left already

The mind ought sometimes to be diverted that it may return the better to thinking.

Phaedrus

 

 

I think Ray told you yesterday that we will be closing down the daily until he recovers from his heart surgery. I don’t know where he is at the moment; probably packing magazines and books he won’t read, audio books he won’t listen to, and scrubs they won’t let him wear in the hospital. Knowing him he will probably procrastinate and would not get to the daily until late this afternoon. If he did that he would leave it to me to clean up and that would mean I would not get tomorrow off so I am going to send you one of his old Dailies and start the clean up. If he complains I’ll tell him you said it was OK and that he should be spending his time eating since he has to start fasting for his surgery this evening.

He can be a pain sometime, I’ll be glad when the operation is over and he is fully recovered, I think he has been milking his infirmity far too long (you don’t have to tell him I said that).

You have a good Ray break and we will see you again in a week or so.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

From Ray’s November 7, 2003 Daily

If trying to get rid of my backlog isn’t enough, I have to worry about all the other things imposed on us. As an example, today is day five of National Impotency Week, I didn’t even know they had a week for guys my age, nobody told me what to do to celibate oops, I mean celebrate.

It also is day 6 of National Double Talk week, and here I thought with all that is going on that it was National Double Talk year. If it is really only this week then why have they been talking that way all year?

And if that was not enough it is National PMS Stress Day, which means many of us will have to hide out for twenty four hours. At least they have sense enough to hold it during Impotency week.

~~~

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.

Margaret Bonnano

~~~

If all that wasn’t enough, she said:

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell  them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal!

~~~

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

~~~

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

~~~

There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother.

Unfortunately, neither works.

~~~

"Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn’t want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use this program without charge.

1) Beat around the bush

2) Jump to conclusions

3) Climb the walls

4) Swallow your pride

5) Pass the buck

6) Throw your weight around

7) Drag your heels

8) Push your luck

9) Make mountains out of molehills

10) Hit the nail on the head

11) Wade through paperwork

12) Bend over backwards

13) Jump on the bandwagon

14) Balance the books

15) Run around in circles

16) Eat crow

17) Toot your own horn

18) Climb the ladder of success

19) Pull out the stops

20) Add fuel to the fire

21) Open a can of worms

22) Put your foot in your mouth

23) Start the ball rolling

24) Go over the edge

25) Pick up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I’ll exercise my caution now, and sit down. "

~~~

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

~~~

And the Churchgoer said:

Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Quit griping about your church; if it were perfect, you couldn’t belong.

If a church wants a better pastor, it can get one by praying for the one it has.

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God – He’s going to be up all night anyway.

~~~

Boxing great Jake LaMotta said of his old friend Gerry Cooney:  There’s nothing I won’t do for him, and there’s nothing he won’t do for me.  So we go through life doing nothing for each other.

~~~

There are some things I would never know if it wasn’t for Judy, for example she told me:

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra…

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always lifts you up

Makes you look better

And Always Close To Your Heart!!! 

~~~

"Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and faithful, and you will accomplish your objective. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.

 

I did it! I shot myself.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, yet I often imagine all your expressions. I haven’t spoken to you recently, but many times I hear your thoughts. Good friends must not always be together. It is the feeling of oneness, when distant that proves a lasting”

Author unknown

 

 

Well dear friends I am now in heart surgery countdown. Part of the procedure is for me to give myself shots both today and tomorrow. This was a first for me and it was easier than I thought it would be. As I have often told you I would rather be lucky than smart and wouldn’t you know it my luck paid off again. Part of the procedure to give myself a shot is to “Pinch an Inch”, that is to squeeze a fatty area at my waist and inject myself there. I am pleased to report that my preparation over the last months was a success. I had so much fat from overeating that I had plenty to pinch.

 

Unfortunately though, obesity is not acceptable to my healthcare folks, my wife, or my family so as soon as I recover from my surgery I will have to get back on the treadmill and start to eat smart. But for now, until midnight tomorrow when my fast leading up to my 6:15 AM hospital appearance will start, please pass the pie, the ice cream, pastry, steak, potatoes, and what ever else is in the house. While the added fat won’t help me with the shot this evening it will for the one I will do in the morning.

 

I probably will do a Daily tomorrow just before we close down the presses, but just in case I don’t, have fun until I get back. My plan is to be back with you sometime next week. While I am gone do one or two good things and lots of fun things. If you don’t hear from me tomorrow you will next week.

~~~

Look to your health; and if you have it, praise God, and value it next to a good conscience; for health is the second blessing that we mortals are capable of; a blessing that money cannot buy.

Izaak Walton:

~~~

Walpole had lived in his loft for six months and by now, it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I’m on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won’t get another day’s credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous and you’ll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, ‘Walpole used to paint here.’"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they’ll be able to say it tomorrow morning!"

~~~

Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

~~~

Before I could enroll in my company’s medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

~~~

"I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me."

Elayne Boosler

~~~

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.  

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.  

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, "It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."  

~~~

There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day.

Alexander Woollcott

~~~

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So, one day out on the lake, he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So, she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Unknown

~~~

Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won’t hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit.  

Judge: "Was the child born out of wedlock?"  

Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."   

~~~

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

~~~

A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help"?

"I use your toothbrush."

~~~

"The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it."

Bill Nye

~~~

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir"?

Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes"?

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel"?

~~~

Warning:  Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Do you have a minute?

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent.

Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

Carl Sandburg

 

 

I am going to use a fairly long story today; I hope you will read it to the end. I do have life regrets and one of them is that for most of my life I was so career oriented that I did not spend enough time with those I cared about. While I can’t change history I can choose to pay more attention to what is important for the rest of my days and you can too. It is never too soon, but it is often too late.

~~~

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man.  College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way.  In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son.  He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night.  The funeral is Wednesday."  Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. "Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It’s been so long since I thought of him. I’m sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn’t forget you. Every time I saw him he’d ask how you were doing. He’d reminisce about the many days you spent over ‘his side of the fence’ as he put it," Mom told him!

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man’s influence in your life," she said

"He’s the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn’t be in this business if it weren’t for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important…Mom, I’ll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser’s funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture….Jack stopped suddenly.

"What’s wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he’d ever tell me was ‘the thing I value most,’" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I’ll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack’s hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It’s the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, with tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! – Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most…was…my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.

"Oh, by the way, Janet…thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

~~~

If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves.

Maria Edgeworth

~~~

A teenager is:

* A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.  

* A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.  

* A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.  

* Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.  

* A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.  

* A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver’s license.  

* A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.  

* An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.  

* A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.  

* A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.  

* A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.  

* A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.  

* An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.  

~~~

Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re seventeen and know everything?

A.C. Jolly

~~~

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night, it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man’s man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

~~~

We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.

The Talmud

~~~

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."  

~~~

"It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld

~~~

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son’s room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.  

By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read, "Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work."  

~~~

Now is the only time there is. Make your now wow, your minutes miracles, and your days pay. Your life will have been magnificently lived and invested, and when you die you will have made a difference.

Mark Victor Hansen

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Enjoy

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

Mark Twain

 

 

My day is too full today. Two meetings and a conference call so far and I have a grandson coming to town so that we can go to dinner together. The combination of my retirement and my health induced reduced activity is not working so well today, at least that is my story. Since I left my brain lying around somewhere the wisest course is to send you a daily reprint and my best wishes for a great weekend.

~~~

Reprint of Ray’s Daily.

November 2, 2000

 

Irish born playwright George Bernard Shaw died at the age of 94 in 1950. You may have heard the story about the time that he sent two opening night tickets for one of his plays to Winston Churchill and a note that said, "Bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill replied, expressing his regrets that he was busy that night but said that he would come on the second night, "if there is one."

~~~

Just remember…If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

~~~

As some of you know I cruise two or three times each year. It is always interesting, for example these questions were actually asked of various cruise ship pursers.

"Do you make your own electricity on board?"

"Why can’t I get cable stations?"

"Do you actually live on this ship?"

"Do these stairs go up or down?"

"Could you call the captain to stop the waves? I am getting seasick."

"I just saw the Captain in the dining room. Who is steering the ship?"

"So what is the elevation here?" — On an Alaskan cruise.

"Why can’t I find a USPC post box in town?" — In Ocho Rios, Jamaica.

"I want to change cabins! I paid good money for this cruise, and all I can see is a rusted crane in the harbor!" — Asked before leaving port.

~~~

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

~~~

To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute: Ask the person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize the value of one second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Time waits for no one.  Treasure every moment you have.  You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

~~~

I’ve seen the future.  I can’t afford it.

~~~

"All Nurses Go To Heaven"

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!"

~~~

If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.

~~~

"My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a ‘Praise God’ or ‘Amen, brother’.

During the sermon, the pastor began speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when the old man said ‘Lord have mercy’."

Charles Bryant

~~~

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.  "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied.  "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble.  If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.  Which one?’ "

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don’t know much about history."

~~~

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second Day you’re off it.

Jackie Gleason

~~~

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. Around 3am they are woken by the sound of someone knocking on their front door downstairs. The guy gets up, goes to the window and opens it, only to look out to pitch blackness. "Who’s out there," he yells.

A voice from below calls out, "I need a push."

Afraid, the guy says, "Get lost before I call the cops! It’s 3 o’clock in the morning!" and slams the window.

His wife rolls over and says, "Listen, remember when our kids got stuck in their car late one night, and that couple helped them to get it started again? Wouldn’t you want to do the same for someone else, regardless of the time?"

The guy thinks about this for a while and heads downstairs to lend the man a hand. He opens the front door, again to pitch blackness, and yells out, "Hey! Do you still need a push? Where are you?"

"Yes, I do," says the voice from the darkness. "I’m over here on the swing."

~~~

A woman’s favorite position is CEO.

~~~

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?’

‘You’ll know tonight.’ he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled ‘The meaning of dreams’.

~~~

Tarzan comes home pooped and says to Jane, ‘It’s a jungle out there.’

~~~

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ‘Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.’

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, ‘Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.’

God smiled. ‘Think about it — who can he tell?’

~~~

”Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.”

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

What are you going to do?

“It pays to plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”

 

 

When I wasn’t looking it became November and wouldn’t you know it, the only thing I have planned so far is my heart operation next Thursday Since I had to do the research on what else to do I thought I had better share it with you. So here goes, in the U.S. this month is:

 

British Appreciation Month – I think the British pound has appreciated enough; today it was something like $1.45 each. If I was going to the UK this month I think I would bring a thermos of coffee and save ten dollars or so.

Good Nutrition Month – Since I am eating everything in sight these days some of it is bound to be good for me so I should not have to do anything special for this one.

Home Education Awareness Month – Is this what my wife is talking about when she asks me “Will you ever learn?”

International Creative Child & Adult Month – I don’t know about you but I think it is easier to find a creative child than a creative adult.

International Doll Collectors Month – Sorry I am married and am not allowed to participate.

National Accordion Month! – Oh no, Lady of Spain again!!!

National Raisin Bread Month – Sometimes I think I am psychic; I bought a loaf two days ago and didn’t even know it had its own month.

Real Jewelry Month – I am not sure about this one, I can never tell the difference other than if you give a piece of real jewelry you get a much better reaction than if you give something that is not real. Fortunately I have a wife that buys the gift for me to give her since she knows I want to make her happy. If you’re a husband you already know that these special gifts are always on sale and you are lucky to have a wife that is saving you so much money.

~~~

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

~~~

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.  

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.   "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

~~~

I’ve got a mind like a.. a.. what’s that thing called?

~~~

She said:

Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

I have a bottomless pit of needs & wants.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on the cat.

~~~

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

Ed Bluestone

~~~

He said:

Women never understand why men love toys.  Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.  After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don’t understand the appeal of sports.  Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.  Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

~~~

"Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners."

 E. Joseph Cossman
~~~

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.  The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C’mon lady!!!!  Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They’re hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

~~~

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked."

"Oh, no, not divorce," one said.  "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."

~~~

In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day’s sickness in my life, and all due to simple food.  Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life—-no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o’clock and up again at five in the morning.  I worked from eight to one, then had dinner–a plain dinner, mark my words:  after that, an hour’s exercise; then."

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"

~~~

Believe in miracles, but don’t depend on them.

~~~

On the Beach, a poacher was stopped by a game warden who said he’d be fined for taking lobsters without a permit. "What do you mean?" the man said. "I didn’t break the law. These lobsters are my pets. I’m just going for a walk with them."
"Nonsense," the game warden replied.
"It’s true," said the man. "They go into the surf for a swim, and when I whistle they come back to me."
"This I’ve got to see," the game warden said. So the man tossed both of the lobsters out into the waves and the game warden said, "Okay. Now lets hear you whistle for your pet lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asked the poacher. "What lobsters?"

~~~

“Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.”

Denis Waitley

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

Tag Cloud