Ray's musings and humor

Archive for February, 2007

It turned out to be a great day….

 “A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.”

Hugh Sidey

 

 

If there is one thing I am sure of after all these years sharing the daily, it is that humor is the answer, it is the best medicine, it defuses even the worst situation and I have yet to see a relationship in trouble when both partners sustain a healthy sense of humor. This morning I spent a little bit of time with a friend who was having a really bad day, I mean one of those big time stinkers. Fortunately we had the opportunity to spend about an hour together finding humor even in some of the lousy things that had happened. We laughed together and you know what? We both left looking forward to the good day ahead. If you have been suffering from sense of humor deficit lately you might want to follow the suggestions of international speaker/writer/cartoonist Mike Moore who wrote:

 

Here are a few ideas you can use to make certain that laughter remains an ever present reality in your relationships thus ensuring their quality and endurance. Start slowly by working on your own fun loving, cheery disposition. Laughter and humor are contagious so it won’t be long before others catch the bug.

 

* Remember that a sense of humor is learned, not inherited.

* Commit to becoming a humor hound. Look for humor everywhere. When something strikes you funny enjoy it. Let the laughter flow. After the funny event has passed recall it and enjoy it and laugh again.

* Begin to cultivate an atmosphere of humor and laughter in your relationships. Try to enjoy and share humor as often as you can.

* Learn to laugh at yourself. If you don’t, you leave the job to others.

* Encourage others to share their humor. Listen and appreciate it when they do. When someone sees that you have enjoyed their humorous contribution they will be eager to continue sharing.

* Collect cartoons and jokes and put them on display on the fridge or the bulletin board

* Watch comedy movies and television programs as often a possible.

* Use humor to neutralize conflict in your relationships. When things get tense use self deprecating humor to lighten things up. I remember one evening having an argument with my wife, Carol. In the heat of the moment she said something totally out of character. She said something hurtful. In my surprise I looked at her and said, “Carol, when you say things like that you stoop to my level.” She started to laugh and so did I. It wasn’t long before things were back to normal.

 

Is Moore right? I think so. If he is then we do have a choice of having fun days or letting the negative things in our lives pull us down. That reminds me, did I ever tell you the one about…….

~~~

“A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable”

Billy Graham

~~~

Thibodeaux’s two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the teacher called one of the Thibodeau youngsters up to her desk and scolded him. "This report on ‘My Dog’ is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother’s. Did you copy from him?"

He replies, "Mais, no Ma’am, it’s about de same dog!"

~~~

She said: I disagree with my psychiatrist’s assertion that I’m depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real reason is: My life sucks!

~~~

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

~~~

"Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others."

Groucho Marx

~~~

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I’d limp too."

~~~

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Garrison Keillor

~~~

She said: I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve tried online dating. I haven’t met anyone in person yet because the guys always stop writing before we can set up a date. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps that handsome athletic thirty-two-year-old doctor was lying about his age, got grounded, and lost his internet privileges. Or maybe it was something I said, "I’d love to meet for coffee. Thursday’s are best for me. That’s when my neighbor picks up my four kids from my three previous marriages."

~~~

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one’s bottom.

Taki

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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Share your warmth?

My world is made meaningful not by what I can evaluate and define, but by what I can appreciate and adore. I find there is a profound difference in what I find interesting and what I find important.

Ann E. Hossler

 

 

Some of you who have been reading the daily for the last six years or so may remember that I use to include lists of what people appreciated and adored. In other words things that made the list writer smile. I got this list from someone recently and it resulted in my stopping and taking inventory of many of the things that give me pleasure. Here is what I was sent:

 

NATURAL HIGHS

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing my favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Milkshakes.

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in my coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at myself.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell me that I am beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about me.

 

A few on my list are a babies laughter, the person I just met and the one I’ll meet next, my grandchildren at play, the smell of fresh food being prepared, my dreams, and much more. What about you? What puts a warm smile on your face and in your heart, I would like to know.

~~~

“All the statistics in the world can’t measure the warmth of a smile.”

Chris Hart

~~~

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather.

G. Norman Collie  

Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.  

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.  

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string – handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.  

Grandmothers are just antique little girls.  

It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.  

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.  

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.  

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.  

~~~

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

~~~

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And the best too."

~~~

You have to be careful about being too careful.

Beryl Pfizer

~~~

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

~~~

It is terrible to grow old alone – my wife has not had a birthday in ten years.

~~~

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"  

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"  

~~~

He who smiles rather than rages is always the stronger.

Japanese proverb

~~~

It was Friday and Lewis and I were headed out to lunch.

"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill"? I asked as we drove to the restaurant.

"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.

"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I’ll give you the hundred on Monday."

~~~

You can’t be afraid of stepping on toes if you want to go dancing.

Lewis Freedman

~~~

There are three reasons for being a conservationist.

You will help prevent the destruction of the world as you know it.

You will save hundreds of endangered species from extermination. 

And

You will finally have a reason NOT to buy your wife a fur coat.

~~~

She said: Now that I’ve remarried, I’ve discovered my first husband was not the dumbest man in the world after all.

~~~

This could happen to you: I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin’ just fine!"

And the other person said, "So, what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At this point, I was thinking this was too bizarre, so I said, "Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!"

At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could, when I heard another question. "Can I come over?" Okay, this question was just too weird for me, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I told the person, "No… I’m a little busy right now!!!"

Then I heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

~~~

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.”

Oscar Wilde

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

A funny thing happened on my way to…….

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers.

And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

Bill Cosby

 

 

It seems lately that I have talked a lot about adversity. Too many of my friends have health problems, personal problems, relationship problems, job problems or just plain problem problems. Most of the time we talk about the best way to overcome problems is through attitude, personal toughness and self respect. That always sounds good but unfortunately it is not always easy. I have found that the best medicine for the doldrums is laughter and humor. When all hell is breaking loose the smart guys take a break and spend time finding humor of one sort or another. In my case I never have to look far for I often do things that are foolish, I like to stand back and observe myself often finding comedy in my stumbles.

 

Don’t believe me? than read this:

Simple put, laughter raises one’s frequency to help with the healing process. People who are ‘up’ positive personalities and laugh a lot generally have less physical problems than those who are depressed – wounded souls – who dwell in their issues and find it hard to laugh at life.

 

  • Laughter therapy boosts the interferon levels of the immune system which helps the system’s ability to fight illness and escalates healing. Laughter decreases stress hormones that constrict blood vessels and suppress immune activity.
  • Muscle Relaxation – Belly laugh results in muscle relaxation. While you laugh, the muscles that do not participate in the belly laugh, relaxes. After you finish laughing those muscles involved in the laughter start to relax. So, the action takes place in two stages.
  • Reduction of Stress Hormones – Laughter reduces at least four of neuroendocrine hormones associated with stress response. These are epinephrine, cortisol, dopac, and growth hormone.
  • Immune System Enhancement – Clinical studies have shown that humor strengthens the immune system.
  • Pain Reduction – Humor allows a person to "forget" about pains such as aches, arthritis, etc.
  • Cardiac Exercise – A belly laugh is equivalent to "an internal jogging." Laughter can provide good cardiac conditioning especially for those who are unable to perform physical exercises.
  • Blood Pressure – Women seem to benefit more than men in preventing hypertension.
  • Respiration – Frequent belly laughter empties your lungs of more air than it takes in resulting in a cleansing effect – similar to deep breathing. Especially beneficial for patient’s who are suffering from emphysema and other respiratory ailments.

So my friends cry a little and laugh a lot you will be healthier and have much more fun.

~~~

 “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”

Henry Ward Beecher

~~~

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.  

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen – thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.  

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.  

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.  

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

~~~

Peace starts with a smile.

~~~

Words to build your vocabulary…

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.  

CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.  

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.  

ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.  

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.  

LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal’ side.  

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.  

PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.  

PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.  

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.  

~~~

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia."

Woody Allen

~~~

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants.

I’ll have a Frizzle. That’s a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders.

"Make mine a Frizzle. It’s a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I’ve never heard of. You have an identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds of something like that happening"?

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine-hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."

~~~

“If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.”

Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Be my Valentine?

May this Valentine’s Day be filled with love, understanding, and contentment as you journey through life with those you hold dear.

Darly Henerson

 

Time is flying by today so I think I’ll revisit some of our dailies past Valentines Day issues.

 

February 14, 2001

It is today, in 1929, that Al Capone’s machine gun toting hoodlums, lined up seven members of George "Bugs" Moran’s gang along a wall at 2122 N. Clark Street and added them to the several thousand mob killings that took place in Chicago during the gangland era. They called it the St. Valentines day massacre. Now I know why so many of us get killed on Valentines Day when we forget to buy the appropriate gift.

February 14, 2003

For those of us in the United States it is Valentines Day today. A day filled with exchange of cards and gifts of affection. I appreciate the fact that you realized that I would not have room for all of your gifts and cards, but I do appreciate the thought.

February 14, 2005

In the spirit Valentines Day let us all practice acts of kindness. These should be both random (let that harried mom go ahead of you in the checkout line) and systematic (visit a homebound friend).

One of the magazines recently reported that being kind to others, whether friends or strangers, triggers a cascade of positive effects–it makes you feel generous and capable, gives you a greater sense of connection with others and wins you smiles, approval and reciprocal kindness–all happiness boosters.

Sounds good doesn’t it. As we have discussed before many times, we reap what we sow, maybe it was someone else who said it first but you get the idea anyway. Once you start being kind and receiving kindness in return you will become addicted to it, at least I hope you will, God knows the world could do with as much kindness as it can get.

~~~

Treat everyone with kindness, even those who are rude to you.

Not because they are nice, but because you are.

~~~

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a Air Force base nearby to a Redneck town be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited to come and see it. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I’m a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he’s a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

~~~

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

~~~

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

Put bifocals on. Double check that you’re with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes … in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn ’em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin … just in case!

Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember what to scream out at the end.

~~~

"What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence.

The only consequence is what we do."

John Ruskin

~~~

Two advertising executives were having lunch and talking. The young exec trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been hanging out? I haven’t seen him for a while."

The senior exec replied, "Haven’t you heard? Ben Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky."

"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You’re kidding me, right? What did he have?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."

~~~

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.

Phyllis Diller

~~~

Miss Matthews, a grade school teacher in Kentucky, asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said "My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

Miss Matthews said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand.  She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." 

Miss Matthews said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

He said, "My aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so huge she can only fasten eight."

Miss Matthews cried.

~~~

Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, "Take one capsule as often as you can afford it."

~~~

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.  

"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.  

The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said.  

"He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"  

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"

~~~

If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart,

I’ll stay there forever.

Winnie the Pooh

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

You are special

If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.

Chinese Proverb

 

 

It seems that lately that many of my friends are carrying heavy loads. For some, things have not been going well, be it relationships, the job, health our some other negative in their life. While you and I can share the pain of those we care about and provide them whatever support we can, there is really only one person that carry us through bad times, ourselves. It takes strength not to give up but the strength is inside us if we just focus on it and let it out.

 

I don’t know who wrote the following but whoever it was I am glad they did.

 

    24 Things to Always Remember

 

Your presence is a present to the world.

You are unique and one of a kind.

Your life can be what you want it to be.

Take the days just one at a time.

 

Count your blessings, not your troubles.

You will make it through whatever comes along.

Within you are so many answers.

Understand, have courage, be strong.

 

Do not put limits on yourself.

So many dreams are waiting to be realized.

Decisions are too important to leave to chance.

Reach for your peak, your goal and your prize.

 

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.

The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.

Do not take things too seriously.

Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

 

Remember that a little love goes a long way.

Remember that a lot … goes forever.

Remember that friendship is a wise investment.

Life’s treasure are people together.

 

Realize that it is never too late.

Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.

Have hearth and hope and happiness.

Take the time to wish upon a start.

 

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET FOR EVEN A DAY

HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE !

 

And I know you are. Ray

~~~

Resolve to be thyself: and know, that he who finds himself, loses his misery.

Matthew Arnold

~~~

He said: When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

~~~

If a turtle looses his shell, is he naked or homeless?

~~~

10 LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.  

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.  

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.  

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.  

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.  

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it’s downright natural.  

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.  

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.  

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.  

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.  

~~~

"Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me."

Dylan Thomas

~~~

Quotes From Steven Wright

– "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."  

– "Many people quit looking for work when they find a job."  

– "When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."  

– "I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."  

– "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."  

– "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."  

– "Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."  

– "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"  

– "I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don’t know what to feed it."  

– "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"  

– "Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!"  

– "I intend to live forever – so far, so good."  

– "Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."  

~~~

"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain."

Pliny the Elder

~~~

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents’ achievements to each other.

Friend: ‘Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?’

Little Johnny: ‘Yes, I have’

Friend: ‘Well, my father dug it.’

Little Johnny: ‘That’s nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?’

Friend: ‘Yes, I have.’

Little Johnny: ‘Well, my father killed it.

~~~

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

~~~

She wrote: My husband Jeff and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Jeff in computer jargon, which confused us even more.

"Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old." "Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

~~~

In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Take this winter and………

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:

If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

Anne Bradstreet

 

 

It was me, I was one of those who said up until recently “winter, what winter.” Our typical winter months where flying by with temperatures more like fall and even on some day’s spring. I felt guilty for enjoying global warming but did like basking in the sun. And then…… I returned from Florida to sub-zero temperatures, and threats of snow and freezing rain. Don’t get me wrong I love winter; I just like to watch it from my window and not by be in it.

 

I have no skis, no snow shoes, and I left my galoshes behind when I left home as a kid. My studded snow tires are at rest somewhere in Minnesota where they where left almost 40 years ago. I have been in the Upstate New York, Minnesota, and Chicago blizzards of the past and they where enough to last me forever.

 

My problem now is that as I wait for the snow and freezing rain to hit central Indiana sometime in the next few hours I have a board meeting scheduled downtown for later today as well as very early meeting in the morning and class at a university tomorrow evening. So here I am supposedly retired with weather that is not cooperating, trying to remember where I put the fur hat I bought in Moscow, the gloves I wear when I ring bells for the Salvation Army and why I volunteered for stuff in the winter in the first place.

 

Of course nothing is that bad, I just find it fun to bitch once in awhile. While I will not build a snowman, participate in a snowball fight I will go out repeating WINTER IS FUN, WINTER IS FUN, WINTER IS FUN, winter is fun…….. So I might do some white knuckle driving but this too will pass and better days will soon be upon us.

~~~

Winter is nature’s way of saying, "Up yours."

Robert Byrne

~~~

Shirley was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support. 

The tech told her to flip it off.

Shirley said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better.  Now what do I do?"

~~~

I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.

Will Rogers

~~~

Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and underbenefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will no only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on a account cease!!!.

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boy and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain aft closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

~~~

Husband (arriving home late): Can’t you guess where I’ve been?

Wife: I can; but go on with your story.

~~~

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up!" says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies,

"Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

~~~

Every mile is two in winter.

George Herbert

~~~

A company president who had been given tickets for the performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony couldn’t attend, so he passed them to his Total Quality Management consultant. The next morning, when the president asked the consultant if he had enjoyed the concert, he was handed the following memo:

1. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. The number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus eliminating peaks of activity.

2. All of the 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seemed unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut drastically.

3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that had already been played by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

4. If Schubert had attended to these matters, he would probably have been able to finish his symphony after all.

~~~

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”

Hal Borland

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

Let’s Party!

“Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving,

Make every day a holiday and celebrate just living!”

Amanda Bradley

 

As I am sure almost all of you know my hometown Indianapolis Colt’s won the American Professional Football championship while I was out of town. I was able to watch the championship game while in Central Florida and was happy that we won. I also watched the two days of wild celebration that took place via the internet. I have never seen so much excitement and celebration in all the years I have lived here.

 

Celebration is great, unfortunately we don’t celebrate enough. What is celebration? In my view it our recognition of something that makes us happy. While in Florida I drove through the area recently devastated by a killer tornado. Upon my return I heard from an old friend who has had a lot of things go wrong recently. I was saddened by both events but at the same time I recognized that most everyone survived the tornado and that my friend is rising above his troubles, for me both events are reason to celebrate.

 

Both you and I have so much going for us and all we have to do is recognize that we do. We overlook so many of the little and not so little things that make us happy that we miss many opportunities to celebrate. So let’s pay attention and start seeing what we have and then let us has our own private celebration once in awhile. I have started to put together my list for this week here are but a few things I will toast:

  • We are connected almost everyday
  • My loved ones are doing well and the few that are not are on the mend
  • While I have a few medical problems I am alive and thriving
  • I learned something new today
  • My friend shared his pain so that we could share the load

Of course there is more but I don’t want to overdo it after all I have to stop celebrating in orderto eat and sleep.

~~~

“Celebrate your success and stand strong when adversity hits, for when the storm clouds come in, the eagles soar while the small birds take cover”

Author Unknown

~~~

A couple is dining in a swanky restaurant.

The husband is staring at a woman slugging back the booze by herself at a nearby table.

"You know her?" asks his wife.

"She’s an ex-girlfriend from my school days," the husband says. "She took to drinking after we split up 20 years ago. She has not been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "How does a person keep celebrating that long?"

~~~

Be realistic. Plan for a miracle…..

~~~

This might be a repeat but it is important enough, especially for our younger readers, that it bears repeating.

Preparation for Parenthood

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.  

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.  

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it–it’s the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.  

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.  

5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?   

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.  

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!  

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.  

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.  

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.  

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!  

~~~

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

~~~

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don’t think my python weally gives a thit!"

~~~

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles… but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."  

Buddha

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 500 readers from all over the world.

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