Ray's musings and humor

Bye ByeAugust

By all these lovely tokens September days are here,

With summer’s best of weather

And autumn’s best of cheer.

Helen Hunt Jackson

 

 

 

Here we are the last day in August, two thirds of the year has gone by and summer will soon be over. Here in Indianapolis we have had almost no rain and the temperature seldom got below 90 degrees Fahrenheit. While I had a few personal glitches the good news is that I have lost 12 pounds so far and taken four inches off my waist, it is a good thing that I have accumulated a wardrobe of varying sizes as the years have gone by as my weight ebbed and flowed.

Tomorrow brings us to September, the harbinger of autumn and cooler weather and as usual a number of U.S. traditional monthly activities, here are a few for you to add to your plans.

September is:

American Newspaper Month – Don’t wait any longer; read them now for they are folding fast.

Bourbon Month – If I would have known that we were supposed to drink more bourbon in September I would have done my part, unfortunately I have learned too late and now can’t mix alcohol with my multitude of pills. Oh well at today’s prices not being able to drink or smoke is a great money saver.

Emergency Care Month – I have had all the emergency care I want already this year, thank you very much, no more please.

Hot Breakfast Month – I don’t care what they say I am not limiting my hot breakfast consumption to only one month out of the year.

International Cooperation Learning Month – I am not sure what this means but if it means we need to learn to cooperate more, I’m all for it. Maybe our political parties ought to be required to take the course.

Marriage Health Month – I find the best marital health enhancer is frequent use of the phrase “Yes Dear.”

National Courtesy Month – I really like this one, thank you very much.

Pleasure Your Mate Month – We are at the point in life were this is an everyday obligation so I do all the cooking and she takes pleasure in not doing it.

~~~

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

Bertrand Russell

~~~

My cousin, a recent widower, who lives up in the Tampa area thought it might be a good idea to get himself a dog for a bit of companionship. Checking out the pet ads in the local newspaper he came across one that read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that sounded like a pretty fair bargain, he called and ordered the dog to be delivered and paid up-front by credit card.

The very next day a van pulled up and left on his doorstep, in a cardboard kennel, the him mangiest looking mongrel he had ever seen. In a bit of a rage, he telephoned the man who had placed the ad and shouted over the phone. "What the hell do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Hey calm down," the man responded, "Don’t be deceived by his looks, mister," "That dog’s under cover and in the Secret Service."

~~~

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."

Dwight D. Eisenhower

~~~

I was pleased to learn that as men mature they become even more attractive, in their unique, distinguished appearance. Women find them overwhelmingly seductive and can’t help themselves. Although I was not happy to learn that men my age are also a lot more gullible and will believe most anything!

~~~

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

~~~

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

~~~

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing.

Agatha Christie

~~~

A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

~~~

Ask why until you understand.

~~~

She said: My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

"I know," he replied. "It’s a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can’t stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."

~~~

Have you ever thought that life is a car wash and you are on a bike?

~~~

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska–a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking.  He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.  "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

~~~

186,000 miles/sec. Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW.

~~~

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.  He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap?’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

~~~

"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

Hugh Downs

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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