Ray's musings and humor

Better him than me

The faster we travel, the less there is to see.

Helen Hayes

 

Ray’s off to the dentist and a full day of activities so I am sending you one of his Dailies from the past. I am sure he’ll be back tomorrow. Enjoy your day; I know I will with him gone.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

First published March 23, 2004

Some of you have taken an interest in my brother and his wife’s sail on their 35’ boat from Africa to South America. Here is the latest we got via a ham radio link.

“Just to let you know, we are now back in the Northern Hemisphere.  We have sailed across the Equator for the eighth time, and maybe the last time. We are still over 1700 miles from Bequia, our intended landfall in the Grenadines, that translates into about two more weeks. The South Atlantic has lived up to its reputation as being easy, constant winds and smooth seas.  Now we are in the transition between the South East Trades and the North East Trades, the area known as the doldrums, or the convergence zone or more correctly, the Inter Tropical Convergence Zone.  The winds are more fluky and scattered thundershowers.”

~~~

A Friend Sent Us Some Words To Live By

When you hear a kind word spoken about a friend, tell him/her so.

When someone lets you down, don’t give up on him.

Remember that nothing important was ever achieved without someone’s taking a chance.

When a friend is in need, help him without his having to ask.

When someone gives you something, never say, “You shouldn’t have.”

Remember that cruel words deeply hurt.

Remember that loving words quickly heal.

Seek respect rather than popularity.

Seek quality rather than luxury.

Remember that life’s most treasured moments often come unannounced.

~~~

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.

Grandma Moses

~~~

A tombstone in a Ribbesford, England, cemetery reads:

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread,

And the Lord sent them manna.

Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

~~~

Are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?

~~~

Judy reports again:

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the a–.  One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with Bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered as a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people…

Sincerely,

A menopausal woman

~~~

“The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you.”

John E. Southard

~~~

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.

I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.

I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me……

NOT TO PRAY?”

~~~

Boy, am I confused… I think.

~~~

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place. They put up a big bold sign which read:

“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”

~~~

Two blondes walk into a building…..

You’d think ONE of them would have seen it!

~~~

“Boss, I’ve got to have a raise,” the salesman said to his sales manager. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that a fact?” the manager asked. “What other companies are after you?”

“The light company, the phone company, and the gas company.”

~~~

“Kindness in words creates confidence.

Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.

Kindness in giving creates love.”

Lao-Tzu

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

 

Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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