Ray's musings and humor

“The sinning is the best part of repentance”

Arabian Proverb

 

 

For those of you who have asked how my recent medical adventure (colonoscopy) turned out I have good news and not so good news. The good news is that the seven polyps they cut out were benign. The not so good news is that I am so good at growing so many polyps so fast they get to do me again in only 12 months. I have decided that the pre-op prep, fasting and liquid only diet for a day and half while chemicals eliminate everything but body parts from you digestive track constitutes enough torture to be considered as reasonable penance for some serious sinning. I reviewed what I might do to that is proportional to penalty, unfortunately everything I looked at was either something I don’t remember how to do or something that I can’t do anymore. What makes that realization not as bad as it might be is that I learned almost all the available sinning takes place after my bedtime so I couldn’t participate anyway. If the truth be known I don’t really mind too much and if what they find continues to be benign I’ll be pleased and I’ll just do penance to cover some of the stuff you do.

~~~

It is true that we cannot be free from sin, but at least let our sins not be always the same.

St. Teresa of Avila

~~~

A Jew and a Polish university professor were traveling in the same cabin in a train.  The Jew, a sociable fellow, greeted his traveling companion with a cheerful, Good morning.

The professor, an avowed anti-Semite, ignored him.  The Jew repeated his greeting, but the Pole kept on reading his book.

The Jew addressed the professor a third time.  This time the Pole looked him square in the eye and said, Why do you persist in addressing me?  Can’t you see I have no desire to associated with an ignorant Jew!

The Jew hid his anger and spoke to the Pole in a calm even voice.

An ignorant Jew is often a match for a scholarly bigot.  I will make you a little wager.  First, I will ask you a simple question.  If you cannot answer me correctly, you will pay me 100 zlotys.

Then you may ask me any question you like.  If I can answer I will pay nothing.  But since I am but an ignorant Jew, and certainly no match for an educated fellow such as yourself, I will pay you only 10 zlotys if I cannot answer.  Is this agreed?

Agreed, said the professor confidently. Go ahead and ask.

What has four eyes, eats feathers, and lives in a solid gold house?

The Pole wracked his brain for a long time  He made a number of wild guesses, but finally conceded. Alright, he said,I give up.  Here are your 100 zlotys.  Now tell me, what has four eyes, eats feathers, and lives in a solid gold house?

I don’t know either, replied the Jew. Here are your 10 zlotys.

~~~

"I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value."

Hermann Hesse

~~~

Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.

Golfer: Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?

Caddy: Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.

Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It’s distracting!

Caddy: This isn’t a watch, sir. It’s a compass.

Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a crime any day of the week!

Golfer: This golf is a funny game.

Caddy: It’s not supposed to be.

Golfer: That can’t be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.

Caddy: It’s been a long time since we started, sir.

Golfer: That’s good for one long drive and a putt.

Caddy (after ball travels only one meter): And now for one hell of a putt.

Friendly golfer (to player searching for lost ball): What sort of a ball was it?

Caddie (butting in): A brand new one — never been properly hit yet!

~~~

We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

Max Depree

~~~

We were watching CNN’s Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every woman’s first thought on seeing that helmet will be, ‘I can’t wear that. It will mess up my hair!’"

~~~

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.

"Then I’m your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

~~~

She said: They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

~~~

She also said: Have you ever noticed that retired couples have reached a level of maturity where they never have any of those piddling little quarrels that other people do?

They have one big argument that starts at seven in the morning and goes right through till bedtime.

Retirement is also when the husband comes up with all kinds of theories on how to do the cooking, housework, and shopping better.  The wife also comes up with a theory – that all pills do NOT come in bottles.

~~~

"The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application."

Ken Kraft

~~~

I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.  One 5-year-old couldn’t decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.  Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

~~~

Q:  Who invented copper wire?

A:  Two attorneys fighting over a penny.

~~~

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic."

~~~

She told me "Don’t criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you."

~~~

Approaching the counter at a local post office, I said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?"

"No!" she replied testily, "I’m the Postmaster – Uncle Sam doesn’t pay me enough to be anyone’s mistress."

~~~

A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong,

which is but saying that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

Alexander Pope

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://360.yahoo.com/raykiwsp currently there are about 1000 readers from all over the world.
 

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