Ray's musings and humor

Posts tagged ‘humor’

They can be if you let them

Why don’t you start believing that no matter what you have or haven’t done, that your best days are still out in front of you.

Zahid Abas

 Image

 

I know we have talked about it before but I often wonder if some of the people I meet are really themselves or pretending to be someone else. Sometimes I think people become actors paying parts that either their misguided egos or someone else has convinced them they must play. Luckily many breakout and start to live as themselves and reap the benefits that result. I, to some extent, was one of those many years ago but once I tasted the freedom that comes from making my own choices I never went back. In truth I am not even sure I liked myself very much back then.

As I was thinking about the importance of freeing ourselves to not only do our best but also to get maximum enjoyment out of the years to come it reminded me of an airline announcement. If you have flown you have heard them say “in case of emergency put on your oxygen mask first and them help your child.” I think life is like that, before we can do our best we must take care of who we are first.

Here are some keys to happiness that I like and want to share with you today.

Steps To Happiness

Author Unknown

Everybody Knows:

You can’t be all things to all people.

You can’t do all things at once.

You can’t do all things equally well.

You can’t do all things better than everyone else.

Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s.

So:

You have to find out who you are, and be that.

You have to decide what comes first, and do that.

You have to discover your strengths, and use them.

You have to learn not to compete with others,

Because no one else is in the contest of *being you*.

Then:

You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.

You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.

You will have learned to live with your limitations.

You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.

And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare To Believe:

That you are a wonderful, unique person.

That you are a once-in-all-history event.

That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.

That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.

And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

~~~

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.

Sally Field

~~~

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job.

“We make parts for microscopes.  You’ll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick.”

“I can handle it,” the applicant said, “I used to slice meat in a delicatessen.”

~~~

SHE SAID: Did you miss me while I was away?

HE SAID : Were you away?

~~~

In my senior year, our English teacher was a young, attractive, unattached woman.  Finally, the inevitable happened:  One of the bolder males in the class asked, “What would it take for you to go out with one of your students?” 

“He would have to get straight A’s in his senior year..” she answered calmly, “..in college.”

~~~

A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

~~~

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from  a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten the know you sooner!”

~~~

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

Joan Rivers

~~~

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandpa, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

~~~

“Why should we worry about what others think of us, do we have more confidence in their opinions than we do our own?”

Brigham Young

~~~

Miss Smith and Little Johnny’s father were having a parent teacher conference.

Miss Smith said to Little Johnny’s father, “Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.”

Little Johnny’s father asked, “What’s that?”

“With grades like these, he couldn’t possibly be cheating.”

~~~

Abe asked, “Is my face dirty or is it just my imagination?”

Mollie answered, “Your face is clean but I don’t know about your imagination.”

~~~

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman’s, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, “Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?”

“That dress is $899.95, Madam,” sneered the rather snotty salesman.

“Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein’s Bargain Store downtown!”

“But Madam,” said the salesman, “You’ll find that the dress at Klein’s is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool.”

“Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?”

~~~

It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.

Hanoch McCarty

~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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We both get to write a new page in our history today

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.

Thomas Szasz

 

I was listening to a radio interview of actor Hal Holbrook the other day and heard him say that as he looked back on his life he wished he had done something’s differently. He talked about his half century of playing Mark Twain thousands of times and the many plays, TV programs and movies he made over his 60 years in show business. He reported that he stayed so busy that he spent little time with his wife and children resulting in a divorce and separation from those he cared about. In other words he was too busy to live other than on the stage, in a way he was like a lot of us, so busy playing the part that we have little time for much else.

As I thought about what he said I realized that I would have also benefited if I had stopped and imagined myself being sometime in the future looking back on my life. In effect I imagined I had the ability to have an Ebenezer Scrooge moment seeing what my life would be like ahead as the result of the choices I had made or not made. Even right now I find my life looks different than it seems when I look back on it from an imagined point in the future, like Scrooge when I look in on my life from the outside I see more of the world around me, the people I know, the people who depend on me and the people I care about, and I see places where I can improve. Something’s would be better left undone and other things would make a positive difference if I got them done.

I appreciated Holbrook’s getting me to not wait until the end to see where I have been by providing me the motivation to see where I am now. You know we can’t change history but we do write it a new page every day which gives us the opportunity to make sure it is worth reading.

~~~

All men should strive to learn before they die

what they are running from, and to, and why.

James Thurber

~~~

There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.”

~~~

“Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.”

Kin Hubbard

~~~

One of those physical fitness club franchises was preparing to enter the international market.  They placed ads in newspapers all over the county for people who could represent them on a tour.  The ad said:

We’re looking for five men in peak physical condition.  Must be able to speak Spanish, French, Chinese, or Japanese.  Must be knowledgeable about weights, aerobics, and at least two major sports. The day after the ad appeared, a heavy man of about 70 appeared in the offices of the fitness club.  “I’m here about the ad,” he said.

The bronzed Adonis behind the desk looked surprised, but decided to be polite.  “Do you speak Spanish or French?” he asked.

“Nope,” the old man said.

“Chinese? Japanese?”

“No, both times.”

“Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?”

“Only that I wouldn’t be caught dead with either one.”

“How about sports?”

“I’ve never played anything more taxing than checkers.”

“I see,” the young man said.  “Tell me something.  Why did you come here?”

“To tell you to count me out.”

~~~

An eternity is very, very long, especially towards the end.

~~~

A nervous taxpayer watches with growing unhappiness as an IRS tax auditor goes over his records, making notations on a legal pad. Finally, the auditor finishes his work. He turns to the taxpayer and says, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank goodness,” the man says, a grin spreading from ear to ear. “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!”

~~~

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

Mary Kelly

~~~

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl died.On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, “Darling, if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.”

His wife looked at him aghast. “My Aunt Emma!” she cried. “I thought she was ‘your’ Aunt Emma!”

~~~

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

Mark Twain

~~~

An older couple went on a cruise for their anniversary. Their conversation with the other couples they met tended towards political and international events.

At one point, the husband asked, “Honey, what do you think about the Middle East position?”

She replied, “Oh, I don’t know, dear, you know I’m not into any of that kinky stuff.”

~~~

It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.

K.T. Jong

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Have you told them recently?

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Mother Teresa

 

I hope you had a great weekend and are fully charged for the week ahead. Mine will be full starting with today’s highlight when I introduce friends who are specialists in senior travel, to the Executive Director of Central Indiana’s premier senior serving organization. If all goes well the result will be an offering of affordable and friend making trips of one day or longer to my generations Central Indiana citizens. I have been on a few of their trips and found that they were a great way to fight the loneliness and isolation that burdens so many as they grow older. Another highlight on my calendar this week is a TV appearance on a local station promoting volunteerism and the personal benefits that volunteer’s gets from doing something for others. I’ll also spend six hours on Friday answering phones for an on-the-radio Salvation Army fundraiser.

Oh and by the way while I am thinking about it I am again being sent away this coming weekend on special assignment and so we will be shutting down the presses here at Ray’s Daily publication headquarters for a week or so. If we are connected telepathically I will send you mental messages, if we are not you will just have to hold on until about December 14th. I would appreciate it if you would think good thoughts, do well at everything and smile often while I am gone.

~~~

In my country the period after our Thanksgiving holiday is one of hectic gift buying in anticipation of our Christmas Celebration. I think too many of us focus so much on buying things to give to others that we lose sight of the fact that we have within us the greatest gift of all and that is our love. Some time ago I copied an article by Dr. Richard Nicastro on how we can keep love alive. In that spirit I’m sharing an edited copy with you today as my gift; I hope it helps you to brighten your life and the lives of those close to you.

A Simple Formula to Keep Love and Intimacy Alive

I bet if I asked you what you had for breakfast this morning, you’d have a concrete answer. (Even if the answer is “Black coffee” or “Didn’t have time.”) But how about if I ask you to recall something arguably more important than a single morning meal? Let’s see how you fare:

In what specific way did you make your partner feel important today? Hmmm?

You didn’t think of it? Okay, one missed opportunity might not be a big deal. How did you make your significant other feel special yesterday? What’s that? You were too busy. Gotcha.  So reach back into the recesses of your memory. What did you do to openly communicate how important your partner or spouse is to you last week? Last month? I’m sure you get my point. But it’s a point that needs stating anyway, since it applies to each and every one of us:

Your marriage or relationship needs continual nurturing in order to remain healthy. One of the most effective ways to keep love alive and deepen intimacy is to find ways to make your spouse or partner feel cared for and important. Here’s the best part: you can make your partner feel important in as little time as it takes to comb your hair.

Typically, when we talk to our mates, we tend to focus on the things that have to be done. (“Are you picking Tobey up from karate, or am I?” “Did you mail the mortgage payment?”) And in general, we also naturally tend to point out things that need fixing. But how often do we take the tiny amount of time to regularly articulate the things that work?

All too often, when things are running smoothly, we begin to neglect what works in our marriages or relationships. The cost of this neglect: you and your partner begin to feel unappreciated and emotional intimacy between you dwindles. People often rationalize that it isn’t so bad living in a chronic state of disconnection from their loved one (after all, most of the couples you know don’t seem happy either). Some look to people outside of the relationship to make them feel special and appreciated. It shouldn’t be this way. And it doesn’t have to.

Change patterns of love-neglect

Keep this simple. In fact, the simpler the better. The goal is to be consistent and make it last. (And most people, no matter how busy, can wedge simple, easy tasks into their routines.) Start with small, loving, and supportive statements. Here are few areas to focus on in your marriage or relationship:

Messages of appreciation:

Any sentiment that communicates thanks and gratitude fall into this category. Make it a habit to say “Thank you” more often, even when you partner or spouse does the little things that s/he has done a million times before (poured you the first cup of morning coffee, fed the dog, took out the trash…even if you had to ask). Make sure your partner hears your thanks. (In other words, don’t mutter it or say it under your breath. Be generous with your verbalized gratitude.)

Beyond “Thank you,” try to add statements like:

“You’re such a giving person.”

“That was so thoughtful of you.”

“That really helped me.”

“I appreciate what you did for me.”

“You’re such a hard worker.”

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“That was kind of you.”

As you grow more accustomed to pointing out the positive things, you’ll naturally see places where these types of statements will fit. And of course your partner will be more motivated to continue to do whatever it was that earned your warm appreciation. So you shape a wonderfully reciprocal situation when you tell him/her you appreciate something.

Actions often speak louder than words. So in addition to regularly sending your partner verbal messages of appreciation to make him/her feel special, take the necessary action steps to make this happen in other ways. And remember, big gestures aren’t necessary. A relationship benefits from regular, consistent, smaller gestures, not large-but-rare ones.

A kiss; a hug; holding hands; touching one another; a smile; a loving glance; a wink; a wave; a thumbs-up; a high-five; making him laugh or smile; making her coffee; bringing home his favorite food; a loving note, e-mail, text message, or voice message; a gift; a pleasant surprise; helping out more; being present; being playful; planning for fun…

 

I know this piece is longer than my usual fare but it is so important I wanted to send it to you. As each day goes by I realize more and more how those things we take for granted are the best things in our lives and they do deserve our appreciation.

~~~

Do not wait for extraordinary circumstances to do good; try to use ordinary situations.

Jean Paul Richter

~~~

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Atlanta.  Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar ” ” ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS !”.

They look at each other, then go in.  The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you, what’ll it be, Gentlemen?”

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis — and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

They can’t believe their good luck.  They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.  Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 more cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.  They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?”

“Here’s my story.  I’m a retired tailor from Greenville , and I always wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place.  Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow.  That’s quite a story” says one of the men.  The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re seniors from Florida, they’re waiting for “HAPPY HOUR”

~~~

The easiest way to make your old car run better is to check the prices of a new car.

~~~

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What Denomination?” Asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman.

“Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.”

~~~

The darkest hour is only 60 minutes.

~~~

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.'”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows… there’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

~~~

There is abundant testimony that if we choose love rather than self, we gain immeasurably.

Federico Fellini

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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