October 13, 2021
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Ray’s Daily first published on October 13, 2006
I don’t know why but for some reason I woke up very early this morning and started to think about how uncomfortable I am when others are embarrassed, do something dumb, or stumble and how funny it is when I do the very same things. In fact some of my most embarrassing moments are my funniest memories.
My all time favorite “get Ray” event took place many years ago. I was home alone on a Saturday and I got a call from a phone company solicitor. She asked if I had heard about their brand new offerings. I said I had and to impress her went on to say they are Call Waiting, Call Forwarding and Three way calling. She complimented me on being so up on the times and excitedly told me that I was very fortunate for she was offering the complete package for one low price and that they would even waive the set-up costs. I thanked her profusely and said I was sorry but I could not see how I could use them. I told her she was the first person who had called me in months so call waiting would not help me. I went on to tell her that since I never go anywhere I wouldn’t have any place to forward my calls. I finished by letting her know I had no friends so I would only be able to use three way calling with strangers and they might not like that. So of course that ended the call, leaving me feeling pretty good that I had made her turn down so interesting.
That is I felt good about it up until a few weeks later. Again on a Saturday, again home alone, and again the phone rang. The caller told me she was the gal who had called for the phone company two weeks earlier. She went on to tell me that she had some news for me. Of course at this point I am starting to get uncomfortable but the worst was yet to come. She said, “Mr. Mitchell I told my coworkers about you and how you had no friends and seldom went out and they felt so bad about it that they all chipped in and bought you a membership in a friendship club.” To say the least I am now squirming and it took all my willpower not to pee in my pants. I hemmed and hawed, muttered something about moving to Alaska or some such excuse. She expressed disappointment that I was not ready for the club but she understood and said she would have a lady from the club stop by my house to tell me more.
I don’t remember how I was able to get off the phone, but I do remember I was in shock and wondering what my wife was going to think when she found out I had run away to Alaska. Fortunately I was let off the hook. It turns out that the caller was a sorority sister of my oldest daughter who I had often kidded in the past. She paid me back big time and got me good. And after the dust settled I realized how funny it all was and what a great job she had done.
Since that time I have learned that the best way to handle the dumb things I do is just to laugh at myself and move on. But nothing will ever be as good as when my daughter’s friend Vicky made sure that I don’t take myself too seriously.
Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
I must have told you a zillion times, don’t exaggerate!
I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.
The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?
There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
A Rabbi waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front Of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant Pump. “Rabbi” said the young man, “sorry about the Delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The rabbi chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument, he pointed out that men had better judgment than women. “Well, I guess you’re right about that,” replied the wife. “You asked me to marry you and then I said yes!”
And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.
And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at email@example.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.