December 7, 2022
“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.”
I have another busy do so here is a reprint of Ray’s Daily from December 7, 2000
On this day in 1941 I was at a cousins house in Wayne, Illinois when the news of the bombing of Pearl Harbor came over the radio. My Uncle was an army officer and immediately left to report. Us kids all thought that the US would be bombed next, it was not a good day for anyone.
More things we have learned, at least I hope we have:
You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
It takes me a long time to become the person we want to be.
You can keep going long after you can’t.
We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Martha Stewart’s Holiday Calendar
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
Debug Windows NT 5
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Faberge egg.
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in SUV tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
Childproof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “Hmm… How do you start a flood?” he asked.
Behind every successful woman…is a substantial amount of coffee.
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because I’m drunk.”
There is logic in this; he is unbiased– he hates all creative people equally.
“New State Slogans For Florida”
FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! …and again…and again…
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts…and counts…and counts…
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!
Repeat after me, “We are all individuals!”
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at email@example.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.
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