Ray's musings and humor

Ray’s Back

Ray’s Daily

November 29, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.

Danny Kaye

I am recovering from a minor health issue so here is Ray’s Daily first published on November 29, 2001

I have been retired, semi-retired, almost retired, and semi-gainfully employed for about 10 years now. Currently I am in the almost fully retired mode. I have found that in the past my agenda, time-tables, priority lists, and more where set by others or by the responsibilities associated with whatever someone was paying me to do. Now I am overwhelmed with tasks, opportunities for service, lifetime delayed hobbies, learning opportunities, and travel — anyway you get the idea. Having been traditionally undisciplined in my work habits all this freedom of choice is overwhelming.

I have learned in this brief period of no major obligations that everyday seems to be the same, weekends seem to disappear. Also I find that there are not enough hours in the day to do all I would like to do or what others offer me the opportunity to do. Time management is tough when you are operating in fixed time boundaries, with externally imposed deadlines. Time management is impossible when you think you have unlimited time. I find that I also operate in a parallel mode. I have many projects, books that I am reading, work that I have started, all going on at the same time, with most unfinished. I really have to figure out this Golden Years stuff.

PS Naps at anytime are great!!!

~~~

Well now that I have got that out of my system I thought I should share a few other truths:

You know you’re living in the 00’s when: –

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a “9” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9. Your company’s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can’t walk or you’re in hospital.

20. There’s no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss’s boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your “friends”.

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don’t have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.

~~~

Kleptomania: take something for it

~~~

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”

~~~

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

~~~

Old Granny Annie was known as a hard drinker but a steady and responsible one.  And so when the family were gathered at a family celebration, old Annie took a big glass of Southern Comfort, then asked for an eyedropper, everyone was curious.  They were even more curious when Annie took the eyedropper and put exactly three drops of water in the whiskey glass.

“Tell me, Annie one of the family asked, “why are you doing that?”

“Well, I’ll tell ya somethin’.  I can still drink more Southern Comfort than any of you lot and hold it better, too.  I’ve always been mighty proud of my ability to drink and hold my own!  But to tell ya the truth, everyone, I can’t hold my water like I used to!”

~~~

Know what I hate?  I hate rhetorical questions!

~~~

   A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.  “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.

   “Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.

   “Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”

~~~

There is absolutely no excuse for a wife to have an inferiority complex.  All she has to do to avoid or cure it, is to be sick in bed for a day and leave her husband to manage the household and the kids.

~~~

Learn to splel, danmit!

~~~

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Lisa gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. “I can’t seem to get my car started,” Lisa said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

~~~

We only have this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand…and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.

Marie Beynon Ray

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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Comments on: "Ray’s Back" (1)

  1. feel better soon

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