Ray's musings and humor

Better Late Than Never

Ray’s Daily

August 30, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

A wise man turns chance into good fortune.

Thomas Fuller

I have had the good fortune to have stumbled into some great opportunities. I have found that one of life’s great secrets is to be ready to turn even negative events into something worthwhile. I have spent a lifetime benefiting from the gifts I reaped from serendipity. So my friends be ready for opportunity, sometimes they are not easily recognized.

The Farmer’s Horse

by: Alan Watts

There is a story of a farmer whose horse ran away. That evening the neighbors gathered to commiserate with him since this was such bad luck. He said, “May be.”

The next day the horse returned, but brought with it six wild horses, and the neighbors came exclaiming at his good fortune. He said, “May be.”

And then, the following day, his son tried to saddle and ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. Again the neighbors came to offer their sympathy for the misfortune. He said, “May be.”

The day after that, conscription officers came to the village to seize young men for the army, but because of the broken leg the farmer’s son was rejected. When the neighbors came to say how fortunately everything had turned out, he said, “May be.”

~~~

Good luck happens to people who work hard for it. Sometimes people just fall into the honey pot, but I’ve consistently strived to create whatever good fortune I can get in my life – and consistently strive just as hard not to screw it up once I have it!

Patrick Duffy

~~~

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to be a secret?”

~~~

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 85, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:” Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers ” Yes”.

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism? “

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob turns to Rebecca:

“Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!

~~~

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

~~~

Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle of the night feeding?”

“No. I always did that.”

“That must have been before you had women’s liberation.”

“No, it was before we had baby bottles.”

~~~

Quote from telephone inquiry “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.

~~~

A priest was sitting on the steps of the church one spring day enjoying the sunshine.  He saw a young boy approaching him on the sidewalk pulling a wagon.  Every few yards one of the wheels would fall off the wagon, the boy would say “Damn!” put the wheel back on, and continue down the street, and a wheel would fall off again a few yards later.

As the boy neared the steps, the priest saw this as an opportunity to make an impression on the boy, and stopped him.  “You know,” he said to the boy, “when a wheel falls off your wagon, instead of using profanity, you should say ‘Praise the Lord!’ instead.”  He went on to tell the boy how Someone is always watching over us and how we should be careful to do the right thing at all times.

The boy acknowledged his words and thanked him, and went on down the street.  The priest stood there, feeling quite pleased with himself.  About 50 yards away from the steps, all four wheels fell off the wagon, the boy stopped, heaved a huge sigh, and said, “Praise the Lord!”  Instantly the wagon raised off the ground, all four wheels returned to their places.

Upon seeing this, the priest said, “Damn!”

~~~

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”

Germaine Greer

~~~

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced.  “Will the laziest man please put his hand up?”

Nine hands went up.

“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.

“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

~~~

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

     1) Hold down the shift key.

     2) Hit the 4 key four times.

~~~

“To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you’re overdoing it.”

Josh Jenkins

~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, I thought he was talking to you.”

~~~

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

~~~

An older lady is making her first visit to her new doctor’s office. Before seeing the doctor she is required to fill-out forms. A nurse in the office offers to help her do this. The nurse starts by asking, “How old are you, Mrs. Silver?”

“None of your business,” she responds. The nurse then says, “But the doctor must know your age for his records.”

Mrs. Silver replies, “Okay. Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

“Yes.” answers the nurse.

“All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

The nurse says, “Zero.”

Mrs. Silver responds, “Right! And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”

~~~

A wise man turns chance into good fortune.

Thomas Fuller

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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