Ray's musings and humor

A New Day

Ray’s Daily

August 29, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.

J. B. Priestly

Reprint: Ray’s Daily first published on August 29, 2002

The older we get the more we realize that we have all sorts of missed opportunities to be happy. Often it was a case of missed priorities. My friend Bob knows some of the secrets and has shared them with us.

How To Stay Young and Happy!

Throw out all the nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them — that is why you pay him.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably a few of your relatives to do the job.

Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let your brain idle.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

Cherish your health. If it is good — preserve it. If it is unstable — improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve — get help.

Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country … but not to guilt.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

And remember that Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take … but by the moments that take our breath away!

~~~

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Les Brown

~~~

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him.” She wasn’t selected for the jury.

~~~

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: “Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.'”

~~~

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band.

“I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one condition,” I said to the boys. “You eat it for me.”

I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys.

He shook his head. “I can’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, “I’m not supposed to take candy from strangers.”

~~~

Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either!

~~~

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling. “Well… we also deliver.”

~~~

Quirks About Life That You Notice By The Time You Are Fifty…

– Most people deserve each other.

– All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

– The one who snores will fall asleep first.

– The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

– If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

– The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

– Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

~~~

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

~~~

Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

~~~

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown.

Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

~~~

YOGI BERRA SAID: “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

~~~

A teacher is giving a spelling bee.  She asks little John to spell the word “before.”

“Um…  Before: b-e-e-f-o-r” he replies erroneously.

The teacher then calls on Suzy.

“Before: b-e-p-h-o-r.”

Again, she is wrong, and the teacher calls on little Leroy.

“Before: b-e-f-o-r-e.” gloats the little boy.

“Very good, Leroy! Can you use the word in a sentence?”

“Yeah.  Before:  Two and two be fore.”

~~~

“The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.”

Hubert Humphrey

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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