August 23, 2022
“There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.”
I have an early appointment so here is a reprint of Ray’s Daily first published on August 23, 2002
The world, according to author, salesman, and speaker Don Hutson, consists of winners and whiners. “Have you noticed that you seldom hear highly successful people whining?” he asks. Instead, everyone silently cheers when whiners leave the room and take with them their own personal dark clouds that have been hovering over their heads.
Whiners make excuses; winners just get the job done. In weight- reduction classes, participants are often reminded that being thin feels better than, say, chocolate tastes.
That’s true for accomplishment, too. Having a good excuse for a poor performance doesn’t compare with the thrill of having produced excellent results.
Ken sent us these answers from the original Hollywood Squares show.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago, when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was “one of the best things I ever did.” What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
The Earth is full – go home.
Two older women, Judy and Monica, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.
“My dear,” said Monica, “Are those real pearls?”
“They are,” replied Judy.
“Of course, the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled Monica.
Judy responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”
REHAB is for quitters
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are xamples excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary:
RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
“I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren’t coming true.”
There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that had a lemonade stand– it being hot and him being thirsty– he decided to stop. once he got up to the little boy’s stand, he noticed a sign that said “All you can drink 10 cents”, well, he thought that it was an awful small glass, but since it was only 10 cents for all you can drink, he decided to get some anyway. Well, he gave the boy a dime, and shot down the whole glass in one swig. so he slapped it back onto the table and says, “fill ‘er up.” and the kid says, “sure thing, that’ll be 10 cents.” To this the business man says, “but your sign says all you can drink for a dime.” “It is,” the little boy replies, “that’s all you can drink for a dime.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.
4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
5. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But you only have two ears, boy.”
“You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either!”
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
It’s October, and an Indian chief thinks it’s going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.
The man responds, “According to our indicators, we think it might.”
So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, “Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies. “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
“A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it.”
Edward P. Morgan
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”
“The thing you have to be prepared for is that other people don’t always dream your dream.”
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