August 19, 2022
“You cannot hold a torch to light another’s path without brightening your own.”
Reprint: Ray’s Daily published on August 19, 2002
Have you noticed how so many of us respond in kind to people we don’t like? If they get angry, so do we. If they get surly, so do we. If they argue, we argue back. Don’t you think that when we do these things we are behaving and becoming exactly like the person we dislike. I honestly believe that our lives are much happier when we make kindness a habit. You always feel better when you act and speak kindly then if you are unkind in your thoughts and actions. I have found that when we react to those bitter, angry, and disgruntled people we meet in a kind way, they don’t know what to do, and they will often respond in kind.
One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”
“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”
“An old timer is a man who’s had a lot of interesting experiences — some of them true.”
When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.”
“Your mother’s side or your father’s?” the doctor asked.
“Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”
“Oh, come now,” the doctor said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”
He sighed. “You oughta meet ’em sometime, Doc!”
Love is holding hands in the street …
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant …
Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa …
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children …
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early …
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite …
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear …
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame …
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws …
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough!”
“Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners,’ is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.”
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther.”
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
A salesman from another country was making a pitch to the furniture buyer of a Glasgow department store. “And if you carry our new line of dining suites, I’ll have the pleasure of presenting you personally with a case of fine wine,” the sales-man said.
“Oh, we’re not allowed to accept gifts,” said the buyer, “that would be a form of bribery.”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the salesman, “just to keep it all above board, I’ll sell you the wine.”
“How much for?”
“Say, a pound a case.”
“Oh, well,” said the buyer, writing out the purchase order, “at that price, I’ll take two cases.”
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
W. C. Fields
A guy walked into his friend’s office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
“Hey, what’s up with you?” he asks.
“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”
“Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?”
“Neither, He’s bald.”
A computer expert is someone who can tell you logically why he doesn’t know what to do about your problem.
An airline customer-service agent got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
He told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. He further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!” she said, and hung up.
“Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments of its opposers.”
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