Ray's musings and humor

Have a great weekend

Ray’s Daily

June 3, 2022

http://rays-daily.com

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Mae West

We are expecting a great weekend here in Indiana. I am looking forward to a pleasant and worry free Saturday and Sunday. I hope yours will be good as well.

I plan on putting off any concerns until next week in order keep my mind open for happiness. Here are some thoughts of Marc Chernoff that are good reminders of what we can dofor ourselves.

5 Simple Things to Start Doing for Your Happiness

1. Start being more polite to yourself. – Think about it… If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?

2. Start filtering out the noise in your life. – Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life. Don’t just listen to the loudest voices. Listen to the truest ones.

3. Start letting grace have the last word. – Most drama isn’t worth it. And we often only lose the arguments our pride insists on winning. So remember, when it’s more important to win arguments than love people, we need to start all over again with our faith and priorities.

4. Start steadying yourself with simple rituals. – Whenever life feels like an emotional roller coaster, steady your mind with simple rituals. Make the bed. Water the plants. Rinse off your own bowl and spoon. Simplicity attracts calmness and wisdom.

5. Start turning the pages that need to be turned. – I can tell you from my own life experiences, almost everything that has happened helped me grow in some way. Painful experiences taught me key lessons I didn’t think I needed to know. But now I know… No book is just one chapter. No chapter tells the whole story. No hardship defines who we are. So keep turning the pages that need to be turned in your life.

The bottom line is, despite the real world challenges we all collectively face, the biggest and most complex obstacle you will likely have to overcome on a daily basis is your own mind…

YES, YOU CAN THINK BETTER, which means you can tap into your inner strength and ultimately live better, one day at a time.

~~~

 “Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”

Soren Kierkegaard

~~~

HOSPITAL CHARTS

(Taken from actual hospital charts.)

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

~~~

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Satchel Paige

~~~

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out: “Hey, how’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, madam”, the magician answered, “But then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, she yelled back, “Ok, then… Just tell my husband.

~~~

May God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway.

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~

A good woman died and went to Heaven. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter offered to take her on a tour of the facilities. As they walked past the halo depository, she noticed a sort of fence off in the distance. Intrigued, she asked St. Peter if they could look at it. “What’s a fence doing up here?” she asked.

“Oh, that’s not exactly a fence,” he replied. “It’s a balcony railing. You see, some folks arrive here and find that certain friends or loved ones aren’t here, and realize they must have gone to Hell. So we have an arrangement with the Adversary whereby our folks can stand at the railing and look down and find their loved ones.”

So they approached the railing, and the woman looked down. She spotted a group of people wailing and tearing out their hair while demons poked them with pitchforks. “What’s the matter with that group?” she asked. St. Peter took a look. “Ah,” he said. “Those are Southern Baptists who went to dances.”

Then she noticed another group, screaming while they walked on red-hot coals. “What are they being punished for?” she asked the saint. He looked and replied, “Those are old-style Catholics who ate meat on Friday.”

Another group caught her attention. They were being whipped with scorpion tails, and screaming. “And their sin?” she asked. St. Peter looked and said, “Oh, those are Episcopalians who used the wrong fork.”

~~~

“It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.”

Seneca

~~~

On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I’d been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

“I’m usually very careful about my speed,” I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. “Sir,” he said gruffly, “this is not your registration.” It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

~~~

Someday is not a day of the week.

~~~

She said: The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when my husband’s co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks of books, looking confused, she asked how she could help.

“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.

“Which one?” she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

~~~

“Don’t settle for what life gives you; make life better and build something.”

Ashton Kutcher

~~~

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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