Ray’s Daily
May 24, 2022
Fate often puts all the material for happiness and prosperity into a man’s hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them.
Don Marquis
Ray’s Daily first published on May 24, 2005
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I have regularly told you that I think risk takers are often the big winners in life. Notwithstanding what Marquis says above I am willing risk living in prosperity. In fact this morning I am off to a Riverboat Casino to win the big bucks. I should warn you though if I win more than I can carry I may not be able to get a daily off tomorrow from my plane on the way to Tahiti.
Oh yes, just in case I lose I want you to know that I think Horace had it right when he said centuries ago “Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which, in prosperous circumstances, would have lain dormant.” Currently it is mostly my body that lays dormant; if I lose today my wife will probably require me to unleash a talent or two.
~~~
When prosperity comes, do not use all of it.
Confucius
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Real 911 Calls, “BELIEVE” it or not!!
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police? ;
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This ! is her husband!
***
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
~~~
If living conditions don’t stop improving in this country, we’re going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men.
Russell P. Askue
~~~
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row please.” She answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No.” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No.” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
~~~
Hearing is one of the body’s five senses. But listening is an art.
Frank Tyger
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An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn’t anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.
Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps.”
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.
The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: “nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?”
Replied the octogenarian “I do, would you please give me a hand.”
~~~
One of the most adventurous things left us is to go to bed. For no one can lay a hand on our dreams.
E.V. Lucas
~~~
We were driving our three-year-old grandson to his recently divorced father’s home when we stopped at a store. Once inside, our grandson decided he wanted one of those large gum balls.
I told him he couldn’t have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him and said, “This is a fact of life: You don’t always get everything you want.”
“I know,” he replied. “Just don’t tell my dad.”
~~~
She said, “I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter, Carrie, suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “Aha! I caught you!”
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the ‘tooth fairy’, was putting the money under her pillow, but her next words let me off the hook completely. .
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!””
~~~
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got a girlfriend.
~~~
Here is a group of medical terms as defined by blondes, or was it brunettes:
Barium What to do when treatment fails.
Cauterize Make eye contact with her.
Colic Sheepdog.
Dilate To live long.
Enema Not a friend.
Fester Quicker.
Hangnail Coat hook.
Labor pain Hurt at work.
Tablet Small table.
Tumor More than one.
Varicose Nearby.
Vein Conceited.
~~~
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.
Jackson Brown, Jr.
~~~
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.
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