April 1, 2022
April is a promise that May is bound to keep.
Ray’s Daily first published on April 1, 2004
April fools day, April showers, Ray’s April wedding anniversary, and thousands of dollars to the government for Ray’s underestimated income taxes. If that wasn’t enough it is:
One Cent Day (must be some sort of memorial, nothing is pennies anymore), and National Radio Talk Show Host Day, (I hope that means that they are going to lock them all up so we can get some peace). Of course it is also National Laugh Week (now this is something I can relate to, especially when I stand in front of a mirror).
If that was not enough it is also:
Actors Appreciation Month (this one I do take seriously since Roger Moore and James Kiberd have done so much for Kiwanis and UNICEF in their children efforts).
Dog Appreciation Month (when we lost or dog many years ago we went out and bought a ceramic replica that now sleeps in front of our fireplace, we especially appreciate the fact that we do not have to take him out in inclement weather).
Fresh Florida Tomato Month (I guess Florida can celebrate their tomatoes since most have not tasted Indiana homegrown).
Holy Humor Month (is this the same as ecclesiastical mirth month?)
Keep America Beautiful Month (I don’t care what you say; I am going out in public anyway.)
Listening Awareness Month (What?)
National Anxiety Month (I was afraid it would come up soon, now what do we do?)
So much to do and so little time to do it. Sometimes I think they expect too much of us.
Methinks I see the wanton hours flee,
And as they pass, turn back and laugh at me.
AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.
ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
1) Dad, when he gets a cold.
2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
KISS: Mom medicine.
One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
While shopping for vacation clothes, we passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my advice.
“What do you think?” she asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” I replied. “You’d never get it all in one.” Boy was that the wrong answer!
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.”
Q: How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the pastor asked, “Why after all these years don’t we see you at services anymore?”
The old man lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, reverend,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him!”
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the $#&% happened.”
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. “Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.”
Maxine on “Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”
Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself…”so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth…”
“Holy Cow,” interrupted his friend, “What did he end up with?”
And Fred replied, “Two years.”
Expect to have hope rekindled.
Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.
The dry seasons in life do not last.
The spring rains will come again.
Sarah Ban Breathnach
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of readers from around the world.