Ray's musings and humor

June

Ray’s Daily

June 2, 2021

http://rays-daily.com

“In June as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day.

No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them.”

Aldo Leopold

Ray’s Daily first published on June 2, 2006

~~~

Can you believe it, it is June already. For us in the Northern half of the world summer is just over the horizon. Flowers are everywhere, airconditoners are starting their annual roar, the birds of summer abound, June brides are primping, and time continues to march on. I only wish that June’s pleasantries were shared by all, far too many will die of starvation, dehydration, or the ravages of war during the month.

Besides doing what we can for others we must continue to live in our space. For those of you who live in the US please remember that June is:

National Turkey Lover’s Month – Does this mean that those of us who have been called turkeys can expect love this month? I think not, more likely they are honoring those who devour turkeys and I hope that only applies to fowl and not humans.

National Accordion Awareness Month – Don’t worry, if there is an accordion player close by we will be aware.

National Dairy Month – Where would we be if it were not for the cow and her well used…….mammary glands.

National Fiction is Fun Month – Do not take this too literally, some of the fiction you tell your spouse still may go unappreciated.

National Dream Work Month – I don’t know why this deserves a special month, I know lots of people who dream they are working all year long.

National Drive Safe Month – Does this mean it is ok to drive recklessly the rest of the year, if it does it sure explains what I see on the highway everyday. Today it appeared that many drivers did not know it was June.

National Pest Control Month – OK, where do I send the list of names?

National Own Your Share of America Month – I am fortunate in this regard, my wife manages my share and she manages hers too.

~~~

It is the month of June,

The month of leaves and roses,

When pleasant sights salute the eyes

And pleasant scents the noses.

Nathaniel Parker Willis

~~~

Real Newspaper Ads

**3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.  

** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.  

** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.  

** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.  

** Illiterate? Write today for free help.  

** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.  

** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.  

** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.  

** Stock up and save. Limit: one.  

** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.  

** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.  

** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.  

** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.  

** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.  

** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.  

~~~

A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way.

~~~

The young widow was kneeling at her husband’s grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt.

She smiled and said “Easy sweetheart, you’re dead now ya know.”

~~~

Money can’t buy everything…..but then again, neither can no money.

~~~

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I . . . I didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” replied his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

~~~

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

~~~

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?”

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, “Honey, he’s not that sick!”

~~~

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with is the one you see in the mirror every morning.

~~~

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City.  They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said, “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

~~~

“The degree of one’s emotion varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts—the less you know the hotter you get.”

Bertrand Russell

~~~

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant an Army guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, good night beautiful and when I got up this morning, he was still sitting there with his eyes wide open watching me.”

~~~

We are what we repeatedly do.

Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

Aristotle

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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