Ray's musings and humor

Stay Young

Ray’s Daily

March 10, 2021

http://rays-daily.com

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.

We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

Samuel Ullman

I have three busy days ahead, I hope you will forgive me for sending you a few reprints.

Ray’s Daily first published on March 10

I had breakfast with one of my favorite 20-something pals yesterday. As I was driving home I thought about real age and perceived age. I don’t know about you but I see myself a lot younger than my birth certificate says I am. I know I weigh a lot less than the scale says I do. It may all be delusion, but ain’t that great! Like I told a doctor friend once, I don’t care if I get a placebo as long as I feel better. So I guess that means that I will probably never fully grow up and I will continue to believe that someone must of made a mistake on my birth certificate. I also understand that my inability to do push-ups, run any distance, even bend over must be due to a long forgotten sports injury and not my age. Bottom line is I am not ready to throw out my coloring books, I am having too much fun.

~~~

I don’t travel as much as I did when I was working but I still enjoy the travel stories. Here are some of the best airplane passenger cabin announcements.

    a.. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

    b.. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

    c.. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

    d.. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

    e.. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

    f.. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault. It was the asphalt.”

    g.. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

~~~

My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash, and its gone.

~~~

The reverent and sometimes irreverent Wendy shares with us why its tough being a man

    a.. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.” And they say blondes are dumb…

    b.. A couple is lying in bed.. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you…”

    c.. “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the Neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

    d.. He said – Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to Make love to you really badly. She said – Well, you succeeded.

    e.. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A Rumor

    f.. A man and his wife, now in their 60s, were celebrating Their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted Couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger… Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

    g.. AND THE BEST ONE YET… A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    * She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

~~~

Rachel sent this report on her day yesterday.

I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

~~~

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus  girls in the world.  Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row…

Psychiatrist:  Hold it, Andy.  That doesn’t sound so terrible.

Andy:  Oh yeah?  In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

~~~

The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit for doing them.

Benjamin Jowett

~~~

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there.”

The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said.. “Why don’t you go to Hell…… there aren’t any Nuns there.”

~~~

“President Bush also announced plans for a $1.5 billion election year drive to promote marriage.  He also wants another billion dollars to send Americans to the moon.  That’s when you know you have a big divorce problem in this country – when it costs more to keep a couple together than it does to send a man to the moon.”

Jay Leno

~~~

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much;I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

~~~

What a wonderful life I’ve had!

I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

Colette

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than twenty years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@comcast.net. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are hundreds of  readers from around the world.

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