July 2, 2020
Have you noticed that people who already know the truth and all the answers no longer find it necessary to think?
It is going to be another busy day so I am going back to a Daily from sixteen years ago. Life was simpler then.
Ray’s Daily from July 2, 2004
Here we are in the month of July already, summer is upon us in my part of the world, the challenges of a new month lay ahead. But as always there is more to the days than just the passing of time. For example besides our National Holiday this weekend, it is our Independence Day, today is the Feast of the Expectant Mothers in Italy, I will have to rely on reader Judith who lives in Milan to tell us if this means that the soon-to-be-mothers eat even more than they usually do on this day.
For those of us in the United States our month will be filled with many things we are expected to do. After all it is Hitch Hiking Month, Baked Beans Month, Hot Dog Month, Ice Cream Month, National July Belongs to Blueberries Month, National Peach Month, and National Picnic Month. It seems to me that the most efficient way to put all that behind us is to hitch hike to a picnic somewhere and eat baked beans, hot dogs, ice cream, and fruit. The only problem with doing that will be that we will have to find other things to do as we work our way to August.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later…no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just putting on my shoes!”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
See how many of these well known phrases you can recognize without the use of a dictionary or a thesaurus.
- Scintillate, scintaillate, asteroid minific
- Surveillance should precede caltation
- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate
- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity
- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid
- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude
- The stylus is more potent than the scimitar
- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers
- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion
- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees F.
- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly suriferous.
- Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ingnited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
- Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
- Look before you leap.
- Birds of a feather flock together.
- Beauty is only skin deep.
- No use crying over spilt milk.
6.C leanliness is next to godliness.
- The pen is mightier than the sword.
- Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
- Spare the rod and spoil the child.
- A watched pot never boils.
- All that glitters is not gold.
- Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
If those of you in other countries had trouble with this one, don’t worry, nobody here got them right either.
Mary had a little lamb, some white wine, and a salad.
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a midterm exam. The last question was: “Name seven advantages of mother’s milk,” worth 70 points.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He finally wrote:
- It is a perfect formula for the child.
- It provides immunity against several diseases.
- It is always available as needed.
- It is always at the right temperature
- It is inexpensive
- It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote . . .
- It comes in such cute containers.
(He got an “A.”)
The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.
“It’s bad,” said the proprietor, “but it’s not as bad as it could have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the detective asked.
“Because today everything was on sale.”
The price of wisdom is eternal thought.
~ Frank Birch ~
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
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