April 1, 2020
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
Here we go another month with no end in sight for our national lock down. It seems that even though we are home bound I am still pretty busy. Today I am again going back in time for a past Daily.
Ray’s Daily first published on April 1, 2008
What a day; spring is around the corner, it is a new month and all us fools have get recognized since it is April fools day. I was tempted to do some ridiculous April Fools jokes but we have some serious planning to do if we are to get everything done this month.
Let’s start with today beside it being April fools day here in the US it is also Intolerance Day, the day National Laugh Week Begins and it is One Cent Day. All I can say is I am totally intolerant of those who are intolerant other than that I am totally tolerant. As far as National Laugh week is concerned, I don’t think my health could stand more later than I usually get every day of the year but maybe if any of you are sourpusses you might try it now and then laugh for the rest of the year. I am at a loss about One Cent Day, I barely remember pennies I do seem to recall that many years ago I could buy a piece of candy, or flatten one on a streetcar or train track, pitch them against a curb in a game, use seven of them to get into the movies, but now?
Now for what is in store for us during the month. Did you know that it is:
Actors Appreciation and Alcohol Awareness Month – Buy an actor a drink and you kill two birds with one stone.
Dog Appreciation Month – all we have is a ceramic dog and he does nothing but just sit and watch us, I guess Ill buy him a porcelain bone.
Holy Humor Month – Did I ever tell you about the Priest and the Rabbi…..
Keep America Beautiful Month – I know a couple of plastic surgeons if that helps, if not try beer.
Knuckles Down Month – At last something for those of us whose knuckles drag on the ground
Listening Awareness Month – What???
National Ergonomics Month – Take a chair out for coffee
National Lawn and Garden Month – We have people who take care of our lawn and shrubs. It is a mercy thing; plants have a chance of survival as long as I don’t try to help.
First a howling blizzard woke us,
Then the rain came down to soak us,
And now before the eye can focus –
Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word, and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite, its rarely ever rong.
Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh, my chequer tolled me sew.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was…surrounded by trees and bushes.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
There aren’t any rules around here! We’re trying to accomplish something!
Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.
Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;
“Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”
Want the rainbow? Put up with the rain.
He said: When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.
One day, a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.
But, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, “You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.”
I’m going to live forever, or die trying.
She said: At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “Yeah, she’s probably right.”
Knowledge may have limits, but it’s not so with ignorance.
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
They look at the tomb and read the following inscription:
A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER.
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, “How can this be an unknown soldier if the
grave has his name?”
Their host responds, “Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier — he was the best!”
“In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with.”
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.