Ray's musings and humor

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Ray’s Daily

January 2, 2020

http://rays-daily.com

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”

Jane Howard

We Need each other

I hope you had a great new Year holiday. Nancy and I did. In fact I am still worn out so I am going to back and see how the world looked to me seventeen years ago.

Ray’s Daily first published on January 2, 2003

Actually it has been a pretty good year so far. I don’t think I did anything really dumb yet. Today is day two of the year I hope I can continue doing as well.

Maybe if I follow these tips from Ralph Waldo Emerson I can do even better.

How do you measure success ?

To laugh often and much.

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children.

To earn the appreciation of honest critics, and to endure the betrayal of false friends.

To appreciate beauty.

To find the best in others.

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, a redeemed social condition, or a job well done.

To know that even one other life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

~~~

No one gets out of this world alive, so the time to live, learn, care, share, celebrate, and love is now.

Leo Buscaglia

~~~

WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE

~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.

~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.

~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops. ~ Her beauty won’t run in a rainstorm.

~ She will never be sick–just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.

~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it’s good for her figure.

~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.

~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.

~ She will hate charge cards.

~ Her favorite expression will be, “What can I do for you, honey?”

~ She will think you have Einstein’s brain but look like Mr. America.

~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.

~ She will love you because you’re so sexy.

WHAT HE USUALLY GETS

~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.

~ She was once a model for a totem pole.

~ Where there’s smoke, there she is — cooking.

~ She’s a light eater…once it gets light, she starts eating.

~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.

~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.

~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she’ll find you.

~~~

It may be that my sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

~~~

Three couples — one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed — wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” inquired the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the priest.

“We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

~~~

“If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.”

P. G. Wodehouse

~~~

“Jewish Wisdom”

If you don’t eat, it will kill your mother and grandmother.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

~~~

Let no one be like another, yet everyone like the highest. How is this done? Be each one perfect in himself.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

~~~

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

~~~

More about love and marriage:

Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children. Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is losing your appetite. Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?!”

~~~

A word, a smile, and the stranger at your elbow may become an interesting friend. All through life we deny ourselves stimulating fellowship because we are too proud or afraid to unbend.

D.C. Peattie.

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

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