Ray's musings and humor

It could be worse

Ray’s Daily

October 24, 2019

http://rays-daily.com

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.

Robert Louis Stevenson

http://rays-daily.daily

stay positive

I have a full day ahead so I am again sending you a Daily from long ago.

Ray’s Daily First sent on October 24, 2001

When I came home last night from a productive meeting of the board of the Indianapolis Leadership Association, I again started to work on my computer problems. As my level of frustration was starting to rise, I started to think about my friends who are faced with real problems. I thought about the close friends I have at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) who are in the forefront of the biological terrorism that threaten so many. I thought about my friends at the US Agency for International Development, some posted overseas. I thought about my friends at UNICEF both here and abroad; many in areas of the world where innocent people are suffering from the tragic events being fostered upon us all. You know what? I am truly fortunate that all I have are insignificant problems to deal with.

~~~

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Interested in a little company?”

“Sure” asks the woman. “What kind of company are you selling?”

~~~

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not you!

~~~

Hints on when you can tell it is not going to be a good day:

– You wake up face down on the pavement.

– You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

– You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

– You see a ’60 Minutes’ news team waiting in your office.

– Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

– You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren’t any.

– Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

– You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes from the city.

– Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.

– Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

– You call your answering service and you’re told to mind your own business.

– Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

– Your tax refund check bounces.

– You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

– Your wife says “Good Morning, Bill” and your name is George.

~~~

Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.

~~~

Hubby – You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife – When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby – You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife – Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”

~~~

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday. According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied …

~~~

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same  tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:  The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.  Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said:  “OK, I give up.  Where’s the boat?”

~~~

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

~~~

A traveling salesman went into a restaurant for breakfast one morning. When the waitress took his order he said he wanted his eggs hard and burned around the edges, his bacon was to be burnt crisp and he wanted his toast blackened and hard.

The waitress was surprised but soon returned with his order as he requested.  She then asked if was there anything else she could do for him.

He says, “Yes, sit down across from me, frazzle your hair and start complaining.  I’m home sick!”

~~~

“Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.”

David Brenner

~~~

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Don’t unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

What happens if you touch these two wires tog–

We won’t need reservations.

It’s always sunny there this time of the year.

Don’t worry, it’s not loaded.

You can make it easy… that train isn’t coming fast.

Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.

Let’s see if it’s loaded.

Step on her, boy, we’re only going 75.

Just watch me dive from that bridge.

Lemme have that bottle; I’ll try it.

What? Your mother is going to stay another month?

~~~

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

~~~

A priest and a rabbi, who had become best of friends, were having dinner together.

“Come on,” said the priest to the rabbi, “when are you going to let yourself go and enjoy a piece of ham?”

“At your wedding,” the rabbi replied.

~~~

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

Plan more than you can do, then do it.

Anonymous

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

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