July 3, 2019
“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”
Tomorrow is my country’s Independence Day, a national holiday. We will celebrate with a cook out and a day of rest so no Daily. In fact I am running behind today so here is a Daily from 17 years ago.
Ray’s Daily first published on July 3, 2002
Tomorrow is Independence Day in the US. It is the anniversary of the US Declaration of Independence that was adopted in 1776. The declaration included the statement, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.”
During this time of great national concern, I hope that we can keep a balance between our need for national security and our hard won personal freedoms.
“If all mankind minus one, were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.”
John Stuart Mill
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.
The district attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”
The foreman answered, “Insanity.”
The D.A. said, “All twelve of you?”
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
- On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
- “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
- “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
- In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child… pick your favorite.
- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
- Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill’s wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, “What’s the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now.”
Bill said, “Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole.”
“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him. “That must’ve been terrible!”
“It was,” he said. “All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again…”
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
As I was checking on my shrinking 401 K accounts I learned the following:
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “Broke”.
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir?” “Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”).
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Her mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty…
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
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