Ray's musings and humor

Where did it go?

Ray’s Daily

May 30, 2019

https://rays-daily.com/

Whether it’s the best of times or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.

Art Buchwald

time

One of the things that has surprised me in what I thought would be a more leisurely phase of my life is how busy my life really is. I have caregiver duties and meal schedules that keep a major part of my day busy. The preparation of Ray’s Daily takes an hour and sometimes more. Not only that my residence provides numerous entertainment, education and physical fitness opportunities.

So I still have a long list of books to read, saved movies to watch and more. They say when you get to be my age you do everything possible to avoid stagnation, I don’t know how that can happen I sure don’t have the time for it.

A Very Special Bank Account

Imagine you had a bank account that deposited $86,400 each morning. The account carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every dollar each day!

We all have such a bank. Its name is Time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever time you have failed to use wisely. It carries over no balance from day to day. It allows no overdraft so you can’t borrow against yourself or use more time than you have. Each day, the account starts fresh. Each night, it destroys an unused time. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, it’s your loss and you can’t appeal to get it back.

There is never any borrowing time. You can’t take a loan out on your time or against someone else’s. The time you have is the time you have and that is that. Time management is yours to decide how you spend the time, just as with money you decide how you spend the money. It is never the case of us not having enough time to do things, but the case of whether we want to do them and where they fall in our priorities.

~~~

It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.

Seneca

~~~

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

~~~

“There is only one pretty child in the world, And every mother has it.”

Traditional Proverb

~~~

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man. The reply was, “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

~~~

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

~~~

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside

“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”

~~~

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Rita Rudner-

~~~

“Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him.  For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the “conversation.”  Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

“My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied.  “So does my husband.” Then it dawned on them.

~~~

“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”

Nick Arnette

~~~

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”

~~~

“When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Then when they’re gone, I can catch up on my nap.”

Tom Sims

~~~

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is the talking clock”, the man replied.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch”, the man said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It’s two AM!”

~~~

Confusion not only reigns, it pours.

~~~

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, “We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?”

The man said, “You don’t understand. I need a card that covers BOTH events! You see, we’re celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife’s thirty-fourth birthday…”

~~~

Do we need more time? Or do we need to be more disciplined with the time we have?

Kerry Johnson

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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