January 4, 2018
“The foolish seek happiness in the distance; the wise grow it under their feet.”
For the past month I have been treated with antibiotics to cure a foot infection. Day before yesterday it was determined that I did not have an infection I have a broken toe. So I am now wearing a boot and hopefully will be pain free soon.
I don’t know about you but I have set limited goals for this year. My most important activity will be the care of my wife. I do plan to be as good a friend as I can be, helping when I can and disappointing as few folks as I can,
Here is a list of reminders to help me succeed,
Thoughts For The Day
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
A sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn’t oversleep.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.
One thing you can give and still keep…is your word.
You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself
If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don’t.
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Teacher to class: “Give me a sentence with a direct object.”
Student: “Everybody thinks our teacher is beautiful.”
Teacher: “Why, thank you. But what is the direct object?”
Student: “A good report card.”
Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.
Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic Email Replies:
- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
- I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over…)
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
- I’ve run away to join a different circus.
- I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve.
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
“Mr. Chilton,” the analyst said, “I think this will be your last visit.”
“Does that mean I’m cured?” he asked.
“For all practical purposes, yes,” she said. “I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven’t stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.”
“Well, that’s terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I’d like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it’s been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.”
“You’ve paid my fee,” the doctor said. “That’s the only responsibility you have.”
“I know,” Chilton said. “But isn’t there some personal favor I could do for you?”
“Well,” the doctor said, “I’ll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.”
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, “We’d like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He’ll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop.”
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant’s voice came over the intercom, “Thanks for flying with us. And don’t forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best.”
Right actions for the future are the best apologies for wrong ones in the past.
The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the license that his cab driver’s name was Winston Churchill. Trying to make conversation, he said, “I see your name is Winston Churchill.”
The driver simply said, “Yep. That’s my moniker.”
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter, said, “That’s a pretty famous name.”
The driver responded with, “As well it should be too. I’ve been driving a cab here for over forty years!”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do. Even mistakes mean you’re trying.”
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
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