Ray's musings and humor

Did you miss them too?

Ray’s Daily

November 29, 2018

https://rays-daily.com/

“Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.”

William Shakespeare

Traditions

I just realized that November is almost over and I had not reviewed the themes for the month and what I should have been doing. Just in case you missed it too, here are some of the highlights:

November Monthly Observations

  • Adopt A Senior Pet Month – I am a senior and I have yet to have anyone ask me to be their pet.
  • Banana Pudding Lovers Month – I wonder if they have a convention and where it might be.
  • Family Stories Month – Did I ever tell the one about…..
  • Historic Bridge Awareness Month – OK where are you?
  • National COPD Month _ I wish I only had it in November.
  • National Family Caregivers Month – Thanks kids for doing so much
  • National Fun with Fondue Month – Ask a Fondue to dance
  • National Gratitude Month – I think I will make 2019 my gratitude year
  • National Pepper Month – Bell or ground?
  • National Roasting Month – OK turn up the damn heat already!
  • Prematurity Awareness Month – If this is for the immature, I may qualify.

I think I will start observances sooner next November.

~~~

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.”

Marianne Williamson

~~~

Our English lesson for the day includes the following definitions, try to work them into your conversations today.

Aquadextrous (akwa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar ‘pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (diskonfect’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will ‘remove’ all the germs.

Elbonics (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

~~~

“I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.”

~~~

Nina confided to Rosey, “My cooking left my husband cold.”

“He divorced you because of your cooking?” Rosey asked.

“No,” Nina replied, “he died.”

~~~

The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the burnt toast.

~~~

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

~~~

“Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

“No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.”

~~~

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”

“Who has that kind of money?”

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me fifty bucks and get out.”

“I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”

“Listen, Doctor”, says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive.”

~~~

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

~~~

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn’t have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, “I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?”

“Yes, I do, officer,” she replied.

“Well,” asked the officer, “do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?”

~~~

The early fish gets hooked for the same thing the early bird gets credit for.

~~~

“The Art of Negotiations”

Morris Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, “I want to arrange a marriage for your son.” The poor man replies, “I never interfere in my son’s life.” Kissinger responds, “But the girl is Lord Rothschild’s daughter.” “Well, in that case…”

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. “I have a husband for your daughter.” “But my daughter is too young to marry.” “But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank.” “Ah, in that case…”

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. “I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president.” “But I already have more vice presidents than I need.” “But this young man is Lord Rothschild’s son-in-law.” “Ah, in that case….”

~~~

“May your walls know joy, may every room hold laughter, and every window open to great possibility.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: