Ray's musings and humor

Archive for October, 2017

Find the easier way

Ray’s Daily

October 20, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

There’s a way to do it better – find it.

Thomas A. Edison

BetterWay

The other day I suggested that our lives would be much better if we did not make them so complicated, I provided some of Marc Chernoff’s thoughts on simplification. Today I got another e-mail from him that included an article on “Ways to Make Today Simpler than Yesterday”. Here in part is what he wrote.

The feeling of being mind-numbingly busy and overbooked is a huge source of stress for most people, and stress is perhaps the single most important determining factor of whether we’re healthy and happy, or sick and tired, in the long run.

Unless you want your health to decline and your stress to continue to skyrocket, you must start simplifying.

So how can you simplify your days? It’s not as hard as you might imagine…

  1. Know what your perfect day looks and feels like. Visualizing your perfect day is important not necessarily because it will be a recurring reality, but because it’s crucial to understand what a “simple day” really means to you. It’s different for everyone – for me, it means practicing my morning gratitude meditation, quiet writing and reading time, and spending a few quality hours with Marc and our son, Mac. For others, it’s a long morning walk, afternoon yoga, a productive day at the office, and a hot bath before bed. And for others, it’s simply lots of time to focus on an important life goal, while still leaving enough time to get a good night’s rest.
  2. Leave space between everything.It’s tempting to fill in every waking minute of the day with tasks. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave space.

The space between the things we do is just as important as the things we do. So leave a little space between your tasks. Take a break to stretch, take a short walk outside, drink a glass of water, perhaps do some simple deep breathing exercises. Enjoy the space, and breathe.

Your overarching goal is living a life uncluttered by most of the things people fill their lives with, leaving you with space for what truly matters.

  1. Make the best of every outcome. A simpler, more positive mindset can be created anytime and anyplace with a change in thinking. That’s right, frustration and stress come from the way you react, not the way things are. Adjust your attitude, and the frustration and stress evaporates. The simplest secret to doing this is letting every circumstance be what it is in the moment, instead of what you think it should be, and then making the best of it.

~~~

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”

Marcel Pagnol

~~~

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.

HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission to say so.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

~~~

Help Wanted – Telepath. You know where to apply.

~~~

While waiting in line at the bank, a man developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took his check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute, she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not”? The man asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5,000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

~~~

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living;

the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

Mark Twain

~~~

Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator – Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies – FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The “Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service.”

Can’t you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? ‘FATASS’.

~~~

They told me to backup my hard drive, anyone know how to put it in reverse?

~~~

Jill was really peeved!  She was arguing with the druggist because her favorite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription.

“Look, lady.  You can’t have this without a prescription because it’s a habit-forming drug.”

“IT IS NOT!” yelled Jill.  “I ought to know…I’ve been taking it regularly for seventeen years!”

~~~

“The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today.”

Jackson Brown Jr.,

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

We need each other

Ray’s Daily

October 19, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else.”

Charles Dickens

Empathy

Hi everyone. Sorry I was so late with the Daily yesterday, I got distracted. Today is going to be pretty full as well so I am going to have to send you a previous edition of the Daily.

Ray’s Daily first published on October 19, 2006

Often, we share burdens such as our common concern for those who die each day due to conflict and deprivation. Yet if the truth be known our shared burdens are never quite as heavy as those we carry on our own. In fact more often than not, burden does not describe what we feel — pain more accurately describes the experience.

Even though our pain may not be logical, it is no less real. When we are in pain we don’t need anyone to tell us that if we had done something different the pain could have been avoided. Nor do we need someone to tell us that our pain is foolish and that we should get over it. And we surely don’t need some one to talk us into becoming mad and angry and to lash out against whoever or whatever may have triggered our pain. Nor do we need to hear how dumb it is to feel the pain. We do not need to be judged, what we need is empathy and understanding as well as help to get through our pain.

Pain is often irrational but that does not make it less real, and the best cure is often the understanding, compassion, and solace given to us by others. Often the pain will pass more easily if we just sit quietly together for a bit. We can be the best medicine someone we care about will ever have; all you have to do is care some and love a lot and you will never know how grateful we are that you were there when we needed you.

~~~

Maybe I Never Will Be

Javan

I’m not very good

At this Game called Life

For I’ve not learned to see children crying

Without feeling pain

For I’ve not learned to watch animals destroyed

Without wondering why

For I’ve not yet met a king or a celebrity

That I would bow down to

Or a man so insignificant

That I would use for a stepping-stone

For I’ve not learned to be a ‘yes man’

To narrow minded bosses

Who quote rules without reason

And I’ve not learned to manipulate

The feelings of others

To be used for my own advantages

Then cast aside as I see fit

No, I’m not very good

At this Game called Life

And if everything goes well

Maybe I never will be

~~~

GOLF

I liked Bob Hope’s answer when someone asked “How’s your golf game?” He would say, “If it was a boxing match they’d stop it.”

There are a lot of golfers at this banquet. I handed one guy the cream and sugar and he corrected my grip. But I really knew he was a golfer when he took three lumps of sugar and wrote down two.

This guy can do more damage on a golf course than lightning.

He played well today, he hit two birdies, an eagle, a moose, an elk, and a mason.

~~~

Lawyer: “Mrs. Brighton, I have succeeded in coming to a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”

Mrs. Brighton: “What the hell is wrong with you? I could have done that myself!”

~~~

There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

FEMALE GOLFING TERMS

CADDY–2 women talking about a 3rd who isn’t there to defend herself.

CHIPPING — Time to get our nails done again.

DOUBLE BOGIE — “Casablanca” followed by “African Queen.”

FAIRWAY — Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

GOOD LIE — Weight on our driver’s license.

GREENS — Lunch we eat when we’d really love a cheeseburger.

HOLE-IN-ONE — Time to get new pantyhose.

IRON — What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

ROUGH — Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.

SHAFT — You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

SLICE — “No thanks. . .just a sliver.”

TEES — Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.

WATER HAZARD — Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

WEDGE — Bathing suit that’s too tight

~~~

She said: When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there’s a reason.

~~~

Charlie, why don’t you play golf with Ted any more?” asked the wife.

“Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” he said.

“Well, no,” admitted his wife.

“Neither will Ted,” replied the dejected husband.

~~~

Success is a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Earl Wilson

~~~

Young Morris asked his father, “Dad, was Adam Jewish?”  His father put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question. He replied, “If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?” (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn’t listening.) “Therefore, we can drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, “Was Eve Jewish?” “To answer that, we have only to ask the question, “Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, ‘Here, have a piece of fruit’?”

~~~

“We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past,

but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”

Marianne Williamson

~~~

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

~~~

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain:

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

Emily Dickinson

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Have a satisfying day

Ray’s Daily

October 18, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

Life is a grand adventure – enjoy the ride.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

enjoy-your-life

Yesterday I was asked by my primary doctor how I was coping with the changes in my life. She was concerned that my wife’s health problems coupled with my reduced activity was getting me down. She has been my Doctor for about thirty years and knows me pretty well. I reported to her that I was doing OK as I was not ready to succumb to the blues.

The reality of my life these days is that I now appreciate each day and what it entails more than I ever have. I am closer to my wife and family than I have ever been and I value the time I spend with friends more as well.

Here is a poem that is worth reading, it is just a shame some of us wait so long before we follow its advice.

Enjoy Life!

 

Life’s too short to be wasted.

It passes just once, so make the most out of it.

Live life the way you want it to be.

Live it to the fullest, feel free!

 

Live as the sun shines in the sky.

Live as high as the birds can fly.

Live as the colors of a rainbow.

Live as far as the clouds can go.

 

Never waste it with worthless doubts and fears,

With insecurities and useless tears.

Remember that what couldn’t tear you makes you strong.

Put away frustrations, sing your own song!

 

Believe in what you can do.

The world is round; it’s all up to you.

Think fast, act now!

Time is gold; it couldn’t be renewed.

 

Value experiences, learn from mistakes.

Improve for the better, live for others.

Do what is right and what is best.

Always be yourself, unique from the rest.

 

Laugh as if there’s no tomorrow.

Dance as though you’ll never get through.

Love with all your heart and soul.

Sing like you’re on the top of the world.

 

Forget the money, the root of all evil.

Treasure your loved ones; you’re lucky they’re still there.

Strengthen your faith, live with God.

The best things in life are for free, so why not?!

                               Mae

~~~

Dance… enjoy each step along the way.

Wayne Dyer

~~~

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. “Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it-you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

~~~

A kindergarten teacher asked, “What is the shape of the earth ?”

One lil’ girl spoke up: “According to my Daddy — terrible!”

~~~

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

“Gosh!” exclaimed the young woman. “You certainly have a dangerous job. Don’t you ever get bitten by the snakes?”

“Yes, on rare occasions,” answered the handler.

“Well,” she continued, “what do you do when you’re bitten by a snake?”

“I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound.”

“What, uh…what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?” persisted the woman.

“Ma’am,” answered the snake handler, “that will be the day I learn who my real friends are.”

~~~

How rare and wonderful is that flash of a moment when we realize we have discovered a friend.

William Rostler

~~~

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.

“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

~~~

Luck is being ready for the chance.

Frank Dobie

~~~

My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car.

One afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, “Unleaded — super. The best you have. And check the oil, please.”

When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, “What kind do you use?”

“I just want the finest,” she said. “Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water.”

“What does it take,” the attendant inquired, “Perrier?”

~~~

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

Henry Youngman

~~~

“May I try on that dress in the window?” the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.

“Go ahead,” the manager replies. “Maybe it’ll attract business.”

~~~

Holding-on does not have to be a desperate teeth-gritting kind of holding-on. Holding-on can be a joyful “this is just the nature of Life, so I may as well enjoy it” kind of holding-on.

Jonathan Lockwood Huie

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Keep it simple

Ray’s Daily

October 17, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

Leonardo Da Vinci

simplify

I am at the point in my life where I have few obligations and less demands to produce, yet I still let to many things pile up. In reality there is no good reason that I have to read all the magazines I get nor analyze every e-mailed article. I don’t want to descend into boredom and I really don’t have to just taking an interest in the world around me I just have to scale back..

Recently Marc Chernoff wrote a piece on ways to uncomplicate our lives. After reading it I was sure it was meant for me. Like DaVinci Chernoff reminds us that complicated is not the answer. Here in part is what he wrote.

How can we bring more simplicity into our complex lives? How can we uncomplicate things for ourselves? It’s time for a reality check…

Life is actually pretty simple, but we insist on making it complicated! Here are a few easy ways to uncomplicate it:

Learn from the past, and then get the heck out of there! – Past mistakes should teach you to create a wonderful future; not cause you to be afraid of it. Don’t carry your mistakes around with you. Instead, place them under your feet and use them as stepping stones. Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience. Success is not about where you are standing at any given point in time; it’s about how much you’ve learned and how far you’ve come to get there.

Focus on being productive, not being busy. – Don’t just get things done; get the right things done. Results are always more important than the time it takes to achieve them. Stop and ask yourself if what you’re working on is worth the effort. Is it bringing you in the same direction as your goals? Don’t get caught up in odd jobs, even those that seem urgent, unless they are also important. Identify what’s most important to you. Eliminate as much as you possibly can of everything else. No wasted time, no fluff, no regrets.

Be efficient. – Stop being inefficient simply because you’ve always done it that way. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Many times we live with unplanned, complex systems in our lives simply because we haven’t given them much thought. Instead, streamline your life by finding better ways of handling common tasks. Focus on one system at a time (your cleaning system, your errands system, your paperwork system, your email system, etc.) and try to make it simplified, efficient, and logical. Then, once you have it perfected, stick to it.

Let things be less than perfect. – Smile every chance you get; not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have. You must accept the fact that life is not perfect, that people are not perfect, and that you are not perfect. And that’s okay, because the real world doesn’t reward perfection. It rewards people who get GOOD things done. And the only way to get GOOD things done is to be imperfect 99% of the time.

~~~

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

Confucius

~~~

“Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same”

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

  1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
  2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.
  3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.
  4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
  5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
  6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
  7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
  8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
  9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
  10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
  11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
  12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
  13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.
  14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

~~~

“My dad, he’s a nuclear physicist, my mom, she’s a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer–and I like to color.”

Shashi Bhatia

~~~

He said: My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father’s business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.   Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

“Richard Larson, CPA?” the caller asked.

“That’s right,” my father answered. “May I help you?”

“Yes,” the voice said. “One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it.”

~~~

I went to a store to buy some insecticide. “Is this good for beetles?” I asked the clerk.

“No,” he replied. “It’ll kill ’em.”

~~~

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

William James

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Don’t wait for a brick

Ray’s Daily

October 16, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

Audrey Hepburn

Helping-others

From time to time I find myself slipping into lethargy and finally rebel from just laying around. While I am not as mobile as I use to be there still are things I can do. Whenever I find myself in the doldrums I remember the advice given to me by a highly regarded Kentucky businessman when I retired in 1990 from the computer industry. He said “Don’t just stop to smell the roses, look around and see what you do for others”. The following story reminded me of his advice.

Stopped by a brick

A successful young executive was riding his brand new Jaguar  down a neighborhood street when he noticed a kid darting out from between parked cars. He slowed down a little but as he appeared near it, a brick smashed into his car’s door. He slammed on the brakes and drove back to the place where the brick has been thrown.

The furious man jumped out of his car and caught the nearest kid shouting, “What was that all about? What the heck did you do to my car? Why did you do it?”. The young boy was little scared, but was very polite and apologetic. “I am sorry Mister. I didn’t know what else to do,” he pleaded. “ I had to throw the brick because no one else would stop for my call to help”.  With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pointed towards the parked cars and said “it’s my brother, he rolled off the curb and fell off his wheelchair and he is badly hurt. I can’t lift him up.”

The sobbing boy asked the man, “Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He is hurt and he is too heavy for me.” The young man was moved beyond words and tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the other kid from the spot and put him back to the wheelchair. He also helped the little kid with his bruises and cuts.

When he thought that everything will be ok, he went back to his car. “Thank you, sir, and God bless you”, said the grateful kid. The young man was too shaken up for any word, so the man simply watched the little boy push the wheelchair bound brother down the sidewalk. It was a long and slow ride back home to the man.  When he came out of the car, he looked at his dented car door. The damage was very noticeable, but he did not bother to repair it. He kept the dent to remind him of the message; “Do not go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention”.

Moral: Life whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we do not listen to it, it throws a brick at us. It is our choice, listen to the whisper or wait for the brick.

~~~

Successful people are always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people are always asking, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Brian Tracy

~~~

PETER MARSHALL’S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM “HOLLYWOOD SQUARES”.

  1. What are “dual’purpose cattle” good for that other cattle aren’t?
  2. Paul Lynde: “They give milk…and cookies, but I don’t recommend the cookies.”
  3. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
  4. Paul Lynde: “Who told you about my elephant?”
  5. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them
  6. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
  7. Paul Lynde: “An engagement ring.”
  8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
  9. Charley Weaver: “Not drinking.”

~~~

There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit.

Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.

Indira Gandhi

~~~

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn’t been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer.

The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

~~~

“We have a new recipe for an exotic gourmet dinner. First, take two credit cards…”

Bessie and Beulah

~~~

Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand.  I wasn’t surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip.

“Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged.

“I won’t,” I promised.  “By the way, what does that stand for?”

She replied, “Honesty.”

~~~

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”

Richard Jeni

~~~

She said: My 20th high school class reunion was held at a hotel on the same night that another school’s 10th-year reunion was taking place.

While my girl friends and I were in the rest room talking, some unfamiliar women entered. After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, “Don’t mind us. We just wanted to see how we’d look in another 10 years.”

~~~

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.

Henrichs

~~~

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, “Son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, “Do you like potato pancakes?”

She says, “No.” And the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

He asks, “Do you have a brother?”

Again, the girl says, “No.” And there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl, “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

~~~

“It’s not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of person-kind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.”

Leo Buscaglia

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

Another Day Older

Ray’s Daily

October 13, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

It is not a question of how old you are, but a question of how you are old.

Jules Renard

old-age-happy

Yesterday as various caregivers called me to see how I was doing I had to let some know I was committed to aging with as much grace as possible. Maybe grace is the wrong word rather living the days with relative ease and enjoyment. One of the secrets I have learned is not to take things too seriously. When you are no longer on the playing field you get a chance to enjoy some of the foolishness being exhibited by those who are.

So, my zest for life continues, just not after the sun goes down or by doing things that include any athletic prowess. I can still do amazing things in my dreams and when I do the crowd roars, the funny thing is that everyone in the crowd is me. So, life goes on and damn if it isn’t still interesting.

Here are some truths I picked up along the way that will help you to look forward to the years ahead.

What is getting older all about?

  • “Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.”
  • “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”
  • “I wouldn’t want to brag at my age, but the earrings I wore in High School still fit today!”
  • “When you are discouraged about your age, and wish to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.”
  • “I don’t know how to act my age.” “I’ve never been this age before.”
  • smiling lady
  • “Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.”
  • “Stop counting the gray hairs.” “Start counting the wonderful memories.”

 

  • 30 is the new 20
  • 40 is the new 30
  • 50 is the new 40
  • 60 is the new 50
  • Hey, at this point I’ll be 90 when I’m 100!

“Plan ahead in your life. Don’t arrive to your deathbed all well preserved. Instead, slide in sideways with a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon in one hand and a bar of Godiva® Dark Chocolate in the other, all used up and screaming Woo Hoo!”

~~~

Aging can be fun if you lay back and enjoy it.

Clint Eastwood

~~~

I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.

~~~

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?

~~~

Office rules

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

The more you put up with, the more you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

~~~

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?

There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Drew Carey

~~~

A Rabbi waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front Of the service station.

Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant Pump. “Rabbi” said the young man, “sorry about the Delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The rabbi chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

~~~

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

Alexander Pope

~~~

A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument, he pointed out that men had better judgment than women.

“Well, I guess you’re right about that,” replied the wife. “You asked me to marry you and then I said yes!”

~~~

There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.

Sophia Loren

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

Appreciate the little things

Ray’s Daily

October 12, 2017

www.rays-daily.com

True greatness consists in being great in little things.

Charles Simmons

Enjoy-Life

I think I am returning to my new normal. In fact, I plan on venturing out to test my leg strength and balance after my two days of recuperation. I am so optimistic that I have even planned a breakfast with a friend in a few days.

My wife’s and my recent health challenges require us to make a realistic appraisal of the years ahead. I know that I never want to walk away from the important little things in life. I have found as the years go by the little things become the big things they probably always were, it is rewarding to now appreciate them more.

Here is a short piece that I picked up a while ago. The unfortunate truth is that not all of us have been as wise as this 24-year-old.

What’s Really Important In Life? The Little Things

AGE 18

I know I’m all grown up now. I want to leave, to run, and to live my own life. I want my parents to let me be, I know what I’m doing. I want my friends to be the most important things in my life. I want to live life fast, and relax later.

I want to live life by my own rules. I want to have everything now, no matter the consequences. I want to be left alone. I want to live in the here and now, and worry about the future later. 

AGE 24

I know I have a lot of growing up to do. I want to listen to advice from others. I want to stop in the middle of Mother Nature, and take in the beauty of it all. I want fulfill the promises I made to those loved ones who have passed. I want to make my family the most important part of my life, for they have always been there. I want to live life, so that when I die, people rejoice, for mine was a life lived.

I want my loved ones to know how sorry I am for the way I was. I want to slow down, and enjoy every second, because so many do not. I want to see those loved ones at the beginning of life, grow, and make their way. I want to remember my past, but live in the present and for the future. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be here, stand back, and enjoy the ‘The Little Things’ in life.

The true measure of success, is measured by lives you touch, and those who touch yours.

Matthew Dittrich

~~~

Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles and kindness, and small obligations given habitually, are what preserve the heart and secure comfort.

Humphry Davy

~~~

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  “She was an angel,” I informed her.

“Really?” she questioned.

“Yes, really.  A perfect angel.”  I assured her.

“I just don’t understand.  Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?” my sister in law asked.

“I don’t know.  I guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as well.  A child is never too young to learn.”  I answered.

“What do you mean.  What did you teach her?” she inquired.

“Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her.”  I informed my sister-in-law.

“Really?  You explained this to her at 13?” she asked dumbfounded.

“Well, actually she was much younger when I explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective.”

~~~

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

Phyllis Diller

~~~

Murphy’s Law for Frequent Flyers

  1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
  2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
  3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
  6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
  7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
  10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

~~~

It’s the things in common that make relationships enjoyable,

but it’s the little differences that make them interesting.

Todd Ruthman

~~~

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when the guide shows him an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details.

To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

“This temple is 1,503 years old,” replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

“Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1,500 years old, and that was three years ago.”

~~~

To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare as to be worthy of canonization.

Harriet Beecher Stowe

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at http://rays-daily,com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

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