Ray's musings and humor

Ray’s Daily

April 12, 2017

224804

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.”

John Lennon

As I begin my sixty-fifth year of marriage I have decided that there is really little time to succumb to the aches and pains that come with old age. Nor is there time to focus on the trials and tribulations that accompany those who dwell on unhappiness.

I think I have shared with you in the past that I believe choosing to be happy is the secret to a satisfying life. For me paying little attention to what is wrong allows me time to dwell on what is right. I know that rains are followed by rainbows and that discomfort will pass. So during momentary times of stress I find comfort in knowing this too will pass.

So how about joining me in welcoming a new day, another start, a day when we can appreciate all that is right in our lives. I hope the following poem will help

Complete Happiness

     by Ernestine Northover

 

Greet the bright dawn with joy,

Raise your spirit to the light,

Then your smile you must employ,

Swiftly expelling the gloomy night.

 

A new day comes into view,

To be shaped and to redesign,

And each move will be, by you

So perfect, so right and fine.

 

The birds will start their song,

And delight in this newborn day,

And with your courage so strong,

Exhilaration will come your way.

 

Greet the bright dawn with joy,

Don’t give in to tears and stress,

Find nothing that might annoy,

Come to know complete happiness.

~~~

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

The bartender is pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.

The bartender thinks, “Okay, business is business,” and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn’t say anything.

Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill.

The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub.

The bartender says, “Here is your darn change.”

The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, “Gimme another beer!”

~~~

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

~~~

COMPSPEAK

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4: Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, it’s four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Laptop Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

~~~

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s obsolete.

~~~

An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray: “God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue: “God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes a second time and Jacob still has no luck! Back to the synagogue again, Jacob asks: “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

“JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE….BUY A LOTTO TICKET.”

~~~

If it’s stupid and works, then it ain’t stupid!

~~~

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends.”

“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

~~~

I have learned a great deal about myself from my Inbox. According to my junk e-mail, I’m bald, impotent and in need of constant refinancing.

~~~

“The most important thing is to enjoy your life—to be happy—it’s all that matters.”

Audrey Hepburn

~~~

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

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