Ray's musings and humor

Restarting Ray’s Daily

If you have been a subscriber to Ray’s Daily please let me know if you wish to resubscribe. I had a major system crash and lost the distribution list. I hope to restart soon and would like to have you with me again if you are interested.

Raykiwsp@gmail.com

Here is a sample of a previous issue.

Monday

March 6, 2006

 

stop-worrying

“I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle – victorious”

Vince Lombardi

~~~

Well if Lombardi is right I guess I am fulfilled. If you read last Fridays daily you will remember that I was this weekend’s designated fretter. I figured if I did all the worrying for our readers then hopefully they would throw their cares aside for a few days of relief. Little did I know what hard work worry and woeful thought can be. I guess I am totally out of practice. Too be honest it reminded me of why I don’t do it; it is a waste of time and energy. I guess I might feel differently if I thought personal worrying changed anything. What happens happens and what doesn’t, doesn’t.

When I think back as to why I decided to be the designated fretter I realized that some of my dear friends were not as much worrying as feeling pain and that is different, but just like physical pain it can be treated. Fortunately the same medication used for the fretter can work for those who are suffering, that is the drop out and get out for a little while therapy. I know it is easy to say and not easy to do, but it can be done with just a little mental toughness.

No matter if you are burdened with worry, suffering from  a problem or lonesomeness going on a short get-a-way-from-it-all break can work wonders, especially if you are not required to behave. And always remember that there are those of us who feel your pain, we want to help, but too often we either are afraid to offer or at a loss as to what to do.

One more thing, while I am willing to be the designated fretter again, once I get my strength back, I am not going to spend any time practicing. And oh by the way, I do not plan on physically hurting myself to relieve you of your pain, for that I will just continue to share humor and friendship.

~~~

“Life and death, energy and peace, if I stop today it was still worth it, even the terrible mistakes that I have made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it for having been allowed to walk where I’ve walked. Which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it and above…”

Gia Marie Carangi 1960-1986

~~~

Things a Redneck Would Never Say…

“I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”

Duct tape won’t fix that.

Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We’re vegetarians.

Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

Who’s Richard Petty?

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

Those shorts ought to be a little bit longer, Darla.

~~~

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”

Cullen Hightower

~~~

Two blondes landed at the airport and caught a cab.

“Where are you off to,” asked the cabbie.

“San Josie,” one replied.

The cabbie corrected her pronunciation telling her that the “J” made an “H” sound.

As time went by he asked how long they would be vacationing.

The one blonde replied, “For all of Hune and Huly.”

~~~

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”

Billy Crystal

~~~

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quite.

“But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you. My husband and I don’t have children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.

“No,” she said, “I just can’t handle all these damned kids.”

~~~

Seen on a sign in a fish market window…

We serve shrimps, a few crabs, tall people, and a lot of nice people too!

~~~

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

“Look at that,” said one to the other, “how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man.”

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater. “Do you see what the source of that noise is?” asked the first astronaut.

“I don’t know,” said the second, “but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you.”

~~~

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

George Burns

~~~

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled allover the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

~~~

The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life’s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life.

Robert Louis Stevenson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana, USA

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

 

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