At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I had a busy day yesterday and have an early doctor’s appointment this morning so I am going to take the easy way out and send you a Daily from yesteryear. Have a great weekend and I will see you Monday.
Ray’s Daily first published om February 3, 2006
Well gang, here we go again, another weekend. I know that many of you will spend Sunday attending Super Bowl parties; some of you might even see the game. But what about Saturday, what have you planned? Just in case you have yet to make a commitment for the day here are something’s that you may have forgotten.
- America Loves Its Kids Month, well try anyway.
- Blah Buster Month, you may want to set up a neighborhood Blah watch committee so you can bust it when you find one.
- Creative Romance Month, this one sounds dangerous I am not going to observe it again this year.
- Human Relations Month, thank goodness, I have no interest whatsoever in animal relations.
- International Twit Award Month, I want you all to know if nominated, I will not run, if elected, I will not serve.
- International Boost Your Self-Esteem Month, I find this one really easy since I have no esteem to boost.
- Life Rhythms and Health Month, I am not sure about this one, I think it has something to do with birth control.
- Love and Romance Month, you really don’t have to send me anything, your thoughts are enough.
- World Understanding Month, this is really important, just this morning when I was talking to the world I let it know that I understood.
- Condom Month, there may be a shortage this weekend since so many will be blown up and hung on walls at Super Bowl parties.
Whatever you decide to do, do it well, oh the hell with it, just have fun.
“The best way to behave is to misbehave.”
U.S. tourists in Israel, a man and his wife, were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. A salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
“America,” the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the man responded. “She’s not from the States.”
“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked.
“Is he your husband?”
“Yes.” she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.”
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
She’s discovered the secret of perpetual youth…she lies about her age.
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?”
And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands.”
The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!?
No way! And that’s just on the standard model? That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.”
But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.”
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.”
“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”
“Will she be able to think?” asked the angel.
The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.”
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.”
“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a tear!”
“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked.
The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.” The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.”
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him by the phone trying to dial 119.
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunken guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, ‘”Where do you work?’
The man said, ‘Here and there.’
The judge asked the man, ‘What do you do for a living?’
The man said, ‘This and that.’
The judge then said, ‘Take him away.’ The man said, ‘Wait, judge, when will I get out?’
The judge said to the man, ‘Sooner or later’
“Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 30s.”
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. She asked, “What do you think mom?” Her mother replied, “I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you’d be five years older!
My candle burns at both its ends;
It will not last the night;
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends —
It gives a lovely light.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
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