The man who doesn’t relax and hoot a few hoots voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of hooting hoots and standing on his head for the edification of the pathologist and trained nurse, a little later on.
Good morning everyone. I had a full day yesterday that wore me out and I have two very early appointments this morning so I am again sending you a Daily from the archives.
Ray’s Daily first published on January 12, 2006
The other day we talked about those people who seem to enjoy their unhappiness. While I don’t want to spend any time with them I thought I should share this for those wish to be miserable, if you follow the suggestions you will be sure to increase your stress level. If it works for you let me know, I’ll be the guy asleep on the beach.
You’ll have no trouble staying stressed if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
- Never Exercise – Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
- Eat Anything You Want – Hey, if cigarette smoke can’t cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn’t likely to.
- Work hard at staying at least 25% over your recommended weight.
- Take Plenty of Stimulants – The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
- Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The “perpetual work” ethic is good for staying stressed.
- Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
- Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don’t take time to listen; be offended, then return the attack!
- Be Macho. Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
- Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
- Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
- Procrastinate – Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
- Worry About Things You Can’t Control – Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
- Set Impossibly High Standards – and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don’t meet them.
- Throw Out Your Sense of Humor – Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn’t be treated as one. So…that means stop emails like this and get to WORK!
Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.
Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success. “Abe,” she says, with tears in her eyes, “I don’t think you love me.”
“Why do you think that?” he asks.
“Because if you really loved me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for.”
“Sarah,” he says angrily, “I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head.”
“I know your views,” says Sarah, “but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance — and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?”
“I’ll tell you why,” replies Abe. “It’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month, and what have they got so far in return? Nothing!”
“So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?” says Sarah. “You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends — who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich.”
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
“I was out of town on business,” he told the doctor,” and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got in I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend!”
The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears.
The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments then said, “Maybe she never got your telegram.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I’ve been reading a new book, if any of you would like to borrow it just let me know. It’s called the “Useful Golf Book”. It contains some really good articles such as:
* How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt
* How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee
* How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker
* How to get more distance off the shank
* Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk
* Crying and how to handle it
* How to rationalize a 7-hour round
* How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water
* Why your spouse no longer cares that you birdied the 4th
* How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed
* How to relax when you’re hitting five off the tee
“Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.”
An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away.
The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose.
The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose.
The statistician jumped up and down screaming, “We got him! We got him!”
What’s the opposite of opposite?
When I was doing telemarketing, one of our associates had a man on the phone and was pitching the product. The man rebuffed him and said his wife wouldn’t let him buy it. The associate boldly asked “Who wears the pants in your family?”
The man replied “My wife said I do?”
George Washington never told a lie, proving that he neither liked to golf or fish.
In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.
“Just to visit a friend,” she said, “but this had taken so long, I’m not sure I have time now.”
Let no one come to you without leaving better and happier.
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.
Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.