Ray's musings and humor

Ray is sleeping

Hi everyone. Ray is sleeping in this morning so he asked me to send you one of his Dailys from the archive.

Ray’s Computer

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Ray’s Daily first published on August 23, 2004

There is so much opportunity for good people. Those who are fortunate enough to understand that and do something are those who are truly fulfilled. Ralph Waldo Emerson had it right when he wrote:

To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

~~~

Life is no brief candle to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

Robert calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

“I did,” Rhonda replies, “they were in your tackle box.”

~~~

Patience is never more important than when you are at the edge of losing it.

  1. A. Battista

~~~

Here’s the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this summer. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.  It may be too strenuous for some.

*Always Consult Your Doctor Before Starting Any Exercise Program*

Okay, let’s start…. Scroll Down…

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

Now Scroll Up…

Okay….that’s enough for the first day! Drink some water and rest.

~~~

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.

~~~

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why………we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them….

~~~

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

~~~

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,

“Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

~~~

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left. She said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting.”

“It was postponed.” he replied. “The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him attend tonight.”

~~~

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

~~~

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the rest.

  • Strike while the …………………….bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of……….termites.
  • Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new…………..math.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…………stink in the morning.
  • Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
  • Happy the bride who……………………..gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is…………………………not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s………………….the Musketeers.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as……………….Stevie Wonder.
  • If at first you don’t succeed…………….don’t skydive.
  • When the blind leadeth the blind………….get out of the way.
  • Better late than………………………pregnant!!!!

~~~

There is truth in what they say about the sexes. Men like cars, women like clothes. I also like cars because they take me to clothes.

– Rita Rudner –

~~~

One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor’s office. But before taking this dog’s leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of her’s and asked the owner.

“Is she friendly?”

“Friendly?” said the man…….”She’s had five litters!”

~~~

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.  Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”

Leroy replied, “I’m not sure; what was her maiden name?”

~~~

Whatever we are waiting for — peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance —  it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.”

Sarah Van Breathnach

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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