Ray's musings and humor

Thank you Dennis

We’re given second chances every day of our life.  We don’t usually take them, but they’re there for the taking.

Andrew M. Greeley

second

Sorry everyone. Ray is sleeping in this morning so I will send you a Daily from days gone by.

Ray’s Computer

 

Ray’s Daily first published on July 27, 2005

I heard from a former colleague and friend the other evening. He was one of those people who often help us think differently about our choices. If not for him I would not have retired from the computer industry when I did. If I hadn’t I would not have been as personally rewarded as I have been over these last fifteen years. I probably would have missed the opportunity to work for Kiwanis International helping with the UNICEF effort to virtually eliminate the world’s leading cause of mental physical deficiency, staying active in the community, while enjoying life as much as I have since.

It was serendipity that brought Dennis and I together that night, we just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Dennis suggested we get together for a while at the end of the day and I will always be glad we did, for we talked through my rationale for feeling I could not retire. As we talked I discovered why I should retire. The rest is history, I called my wife, she agreed, and I notified my company the next day. I have always felt fortunate that so many good things have happened in my life because of luck. But luck doesn’t do us much good if we don’t take advantage of it when the opportunity presents itself.

~~~

Don’t let the opinions of the average man sway you.

Dream, and he thinks you’re crazy. Succeed, and he thinks you’re lucky.

Acquire wealth, and he thinks you’re greedy. Pay no attention. He simply doesn’t understand.

Robert G. Allen

~~~

Here is a refresher for the guys.

Woman’s Dictionary

* Yes = No.

* No = Yes.

* Maybe = No.

* I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry.

* We need = I want.

* It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.

* Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

* We need to talk = I need to complain.

* Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.

* I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron.

* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.

* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

* Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

* How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate.

* I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

~~~

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

~~~

A doctor was administering a test for memory loss to three old gents at a Veteran’s Clinic.

He asked the first one, “What is 3 times 3?” And he replied, “One Hundred and Fifty Six.”

The doctor turned to the second old man. “What’s three times three?” The second old man said, “Tuesday.”

The doctor then asked the same of the third man who answered, “Nine.”

Thinking he was getting somewhere the doc asked, “And how did you arrive at that answer?”

The old vet answered, “Easy Doc…I just subtracted Tuesday from 156 and I got nine.”

~~~

Son to father:  Can you help me with my ethics homework, or would that be missing the point?

~~~

Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach.  When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed.  I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”

“Sure,” the maid replied, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”

~~~

“Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don’t reach them till they’re in their 40s.”

~~~

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

~~~

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

~~~

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.

~~~

I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

~~~

Two young blondes were out for a therapeutic cycle ride one day, when suddenly one stopped and let the air out of her tires. “What did you do that for?” asked the other.

“Oh, I couldn’t reach the pedals, so I thought it would help,” came the reply.

At this the second blonde got off her bike, took off the handle bars and seat, and swapped them around.

“What did you do that for?” asked the first. – “Well, if you’re gonna be that stupid, I’m going home…”

~~~

“I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.”

Richard Diran

~~~

Mrs. Berkowitz, shopping in the supermarket, went from counter to counter humming and singing to herself.

“You seem to be very happy,” remarked the clerk.

“I have every reason to be,” replied the woman. “I’ve got a beautiful home, two lovely children, a nice bank account, my husband’s life is insured for $1,000,000 and his health is far from robust.”

~~~

In pursuit of happiness, the difficulty lies in knowing when you have caught up.

R.H. Grenville

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

 

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