Ray's musings and humor

I’m too tired

“The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

! 000 do good work

I slept in some and am pretty brain dead this morning. So rather than taking a chance on boring you I am again dipping into the back issue file.

Ray’s Daily first published on January 15, 2009

Do you realize that it is already the middle of January? With my trips, the New Year and getting caught up it almost got away from me. Fortunately it is not too late to fulfill January obligations; you know the ones we in the U.S. are expected to deal with each January. So I’ll step away for a moment and do some research and let you know what we are supposed to be doing.

OK, I’m back, I just am sorry I waited so long to get you what you needed to plan your Jan.

It is:

  • Business and Reference Books Month – I already missed this one, the libraries cake and ice cream reference book party was held while I was in Costa Rica.
  • Crime Stoppers Month – How about you and I getting wild and crazy and let’s stop crime all year! What do you think? I know my new friend Agent #100 will help.
  • January Diet Month – Come on you guys, did you put this here just because I gained five pounds on my cruise?
  • National Be On-Purpose Month – Now isn’t this a kick in the head, I thought I was on purpose all year, I just didn’t know I wasn’t.
  • National Book Blitz Month – The books haven’t blitzed my neighborhood yet, at least I don’t think they have. Last year they left fly leafs, title pages, and tables of contents strewn everywhere.
  • National Egg Month – I am sorry I don’t have any national eggs all mine are from Indiana.
  • National Barbecue Month – Today the wind chill is about ten degrees below zero and if they think I am going out and barbecue they must be crazy. I am storing this one until May.
  • Date Your Mate Month – I would but she turned me down, she would rather go shopping!
  • National Prune the Fat Month – OK, enough is enough, you have already made your point.
  • National Yours, Mine and Ours Month – Ok she got hers and you got yours, where’s mine?
  • Prevention of Cruelty to Your Money Month – Wall Street has all of mine in some battered money shelter someplace; if I ever get any of it back I promise I’ll be kind.

I better go and get started or it will be February and you know what that means, you do don’t you?

~~~

A pessimist is one who is seasick on the entire voyage of life.

~~~

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. “Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the king’s court.

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

You know in reality most people I know like their mother-in-law often getting along better with them since they are less likely to provide the regular counsel we get from our own Mom’s, I often wonder why they don’t realize that their children’s puberty ended while they were teens, not when they are in their sixties. – Ray

~~~

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

~~~

A woman goes to her lawyer to ask about getting a divorce.  The lawyer asks, “Does he beat you?”

“No, he does not.”

“Does he keep you short of money?”

“No, he does not.”

“Is he a perpetual drunkard?”

“No, he is not.”

“Is he unfaithful to you?”

“Ahhh, we’ve got him there. He was not the father of my last child.”

~~~

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

~~~

She tells me that the difference between her and I is:

When I get angry it’s because I’m ill-tempered…It just happens that her nerves are bothering her.

When I don’t like someone it’s because I’m prejudiced…She just happens to be a good judge of human nature.

When I compliment people it’s because I use flattery to get my way… She only encourages people.

When I take a long time to do a job it’s because I’m unbearably slow and pokey… She takes a long time because she believes in quality workmanship.

When I spend my paycheck in 24 hours, it’s because I’m a spendthrift… When she does, it’s because she’s generous.

When I stay in bed until 11 A.M., it’s because I’m a lazy good-for-nothing… When she stays in bed a little longer, it’s because she’s totally exhausted.

~~~

“It’s okay. I didn’t believe in reincarnation last time either.”

~~~

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, “Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.” Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.  “My dear Mr. Wilson,” she gushed, “fancy meeting you here on the bus.  Am I glad to see you! Why you’re almost a stranger.  My, but I’m tired!”

The sedate gent looked up at the girl.  He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, “Sit down, Mary, my girl.  It isn’t often I see you on washday.  No wonder you’re tired.  Being pregnant isn’t easy. By the way, don’t deliver the wash until Thursday.  My wife is going to the District Attorney’s office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail.”

~~~

In my day, we didn’t have virtual computer reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

~~~

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” Ralphie said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays, “It’s the best Christmas present I ever got.”

“That’s great,” smiled his uncle, “Have you learned how to play it yet?”

“Oh, I don’t play it,” Ralphie said, “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.”

~~~

Here is some of the best advice ever given.

“There are many who are living far below their possibilities because they are continually handing over their individualities to others. Do you want to be a power in the world? Then be yourself. Be true to the highest within your soul and then allow yourself to be governed by no customs or conventionalities or arbitrary man-made rules that are not founded on principle.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

Ray’s Daily has been sent for more than fifteen years to people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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