Ray's musings and humor

Thank you UNICEF

I feel that the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life is to be associated with UNICEF.

Danny Kaye

! 0000000 James Kiberd

James Kiberd

I am off to the Kiwanis International Convention early this morning so I am again sending you a Daily from years past. Hopefully I will generate a new one tomorrow as I will have to skip the convention for some medical stuff. Ray

Ray’s Daily first published on June 25, 2001

I just learned from my friend Susan Keith, that her husband James Kiberd is putting aside his brushes and palette for a week or so to temporarily replace a major character on “As The World Turns” (the show that won Best Show and lots of other Emmys this year). James will play “Hal Munson”, a cop with a dry sense of humor. After all the time James played Detective Trevor Dillon this will be a cakewalk. With James’ art exhibits, theatre, and TV work he still donates all kinds of time and effort to children. He has been a great friend of UNICEF and Kiwanis. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together in support of the UNICEF/Kiwanis global project. For all you fans, I will let you know when the episodes will air as soon as I hear.

~~~

Lewis provides us some additional wisdom:

  • Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.
  • Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
  • Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect, it just means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.

~~~

It’s a proven fact that zipping up a small child’s snowsuit will cause him/her to wet her pants.  There is no known cure for this.

~~~

Signs You’re Broke

American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”

Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.

McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

~~~

Give a man a fish and he eats for one day. Teach a man how to fish and he’s gone every weekend!

~~~

Some answering machine favorites:

“I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember.  I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.”

“Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.   We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”

“You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time.   I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.”   That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my caller that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…”

“Hello, this is Douglas.  I’m not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.”  (background noise –open a drawer and shuffle stuff around)  “Okay, what would you like me to tell me?”

~~~

When my grown children complain about the way they were raised, I always tell them that we did the best we could with what we had to work with.

~~~

After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, “You must be the absolute worst caddie in the world.”

“No, I don’t think so,” said the caddie.

“That would be too much of a coincidence.”

~~~

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn’t mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. “A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry,” she told him.

“Really?” asked the boyfriend, “And just how many men are you intending to marry?”

~~~

There are bigger things in life than money — bills, for instance.

~~~

Benny Cohen was pulled out of the ocean by a lifeguard. His wife ran over sobbing, “Benny! Benny, what happened?!”

“Madam, please don’t get hysterical,” said the lifeguard.

“I’m just going to give your husband some artificial respiration and he’ll be fine.”

“What!” Mrs. Cohen yelled. “My Benny gets either real respiration or nothing at all.”

~~~

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re in need of improvement.

~~~

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.  “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked the husband.

“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the Amish lady.

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” asked the husband.

The wife replied, “I’m not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake.”

~~~

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I’m also not blonde. -Dolly Parton

~~~

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

~~~

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Eleanor Roosevelt

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

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