Ray's musings and humor

Good Morning Everyone

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”

Buddha

! 000 Dropping-Into-Say-Good-Morning

I have had some internal health problems for the last couple of days that has kept me down. No energy but at least I have avoided the hospital so far. I have hated to miss my scheduled activities but resting has been good. I am not really up to doing another Daily so here is what we published fourteen years ago on March 5, 2001

~~~

Today is Custom Chief’s Day in Vanuatu. I bet you are really ready to celebrate.

~~~

OK, today let’s all:

*Strive for excellence, not perfection.*

*Be on time.*

*Don’t criticize anyone for 24 hours.*

*Be kind to other people.*

*Be even kinder to unkind people.*

~~~

A t-shirt on the back of a passing motorcyclist said if “You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.”

~~~

There really is a difference

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

~~~

“Don’t ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that says ‘Draw Bridge Ahead’ and you don’t have a pencil.”

~~~

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, “Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here ?”

Nancy simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ….”My lawyer.”

~~~

A diplomat is a person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

~~~

David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife.  He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

“David!!  David!!  Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.  What do you suggest?”

David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”

~~~

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

~~~

Chet: How does Wilma like being pregnant, Bert?

Bert: She’s not “pregnant.” She’s “expecting.”

Chet: Oh!

Bert: She’s expecting me to do more housework. She’s expecting me to cook dinner. She’s expecting me to rub her feet, etc.

~~~

I asked a girl what her sign was, and she said “Stop”.

~~~

From Frances:

What a Difference 30 yrs. makes:

1970: Long hair, 2000: Longing for hair.

1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG. 2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because its cool. 2000: Moving to California because its warm.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage.

1970: Paar. 2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for BMW. 2000: Hoping for BM.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principals office. 2000: Calling the principal’s office.

1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their head shaved.

1970: Passing the drivers test. 2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: “Whatever.” 2000: “Depends.”

~~~

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway

~~~

Taking up painting, an asylum inmate worked for weeks on his masterpiece.  When he finally showed it to asylum doctors, they were stunned.  The canvas was entirely blank.

“Ummmm, yeah, it’s lovely,” said one psychiatrist, “but, er…what is it?”

“Why,” the inmate proudly replied, “it is a painting of the exodus from Egypt.”

“I see,” said another doctor.  “Actually, what I don’t see is the Red Sea.”

“Ah,” said the inmate, “it’s been parted…driven back, as it says in the Old Testament.”

“And the Israelites?”

“They have already passed through.”

“And what of the Egyptians?” demanded another.

“Are you blind?”  said the artist, growing indignant. “They haven’t arrived yet!”

~~~

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

~~~

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward.”

~~~

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do NOT care who gets the credit.”

Harry S. Truman

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

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