Ray's musings and humor

It is going to be a great day

Delicious autumn!

My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

George Eliot

 autumn (2)

I am running behind and had a late night last night so I am again dipping into the past and resending a Daily from a few years back. It is a reminder of how good autumn can be here in Indiana.

~~~

Summer has started its journey to the Southern Hemisphere, leaving us the fall of the year. I love autumn with it’s “I am alive” brisk mornings, the warmth of its days, and the scenes that it paints for us to enjoy. We again can walk hand-in-hand through woods watching the trees shed their green coats for those of red, yellow, and brown. We smell sausages on grills at football games, the aroma of apple cider warming in a pan, and the scent of burning logs from the fireplaces of those cuddled up watching the flames in the comfort of their homes. We hear the birds as they migrate to their summer homes and the rustle of leaves as the trees begin their hibernation waiting to be born again in the spring. We put on our favorite sweater that has waited faithfully for us to again don the clothes of fall. I don’t think I could ever move to warmer climes for I would have to miss the rosy cheeks of people and nature as fall descends upon us each year.

If your fall is not the same as mine, I will enjoy it for both of us.

Ray

~~~

If a man can paint a landscape, and convey into souls and ochres all the enchantments of Spring or Autumn; it is certain that the secret cannot be kept; the first witness tells it to a second, and men go by fives and tens and fifties to his doors.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

Wendy copied this from his diary.

Dear Diary,

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I’m still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it! When I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile! Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other junk too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

Friday: I hate that heifer Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over I will also pray that next year my wife, (the devil), will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy.

~~~

“You can never get all the facts from just one newspaper, and unless you have all the facts, you cannot make proper judgments about what is going on.”

Harry S Truman

~~~

She said: ver the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants’ restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me; I need to use the restroom,” Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?”

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked “Men.” “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.”

~~~

Experience is something I always think I have until I get more of it.

Dan Kaercher

~~~

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example, he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” Asked the professor.

“For one thing,” the student pointed out, “She’d be way too old.”

~~~

Do what you can to show you care about other people,

And you will make our world a better place.

Rosalynn Carter

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are more than 2000 readers from around the world.

 

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