Ray's musings and humor

I am tired

I believe there should be a better way to start each day…instead of waking up every morning…

Melchor Lim

 tired-of-writing

I am pooped this morning but skipping my exercises is not an option as they are required for me to return to moderately good health. Yesterday wore me out, my early morning exercise was followed by a breakfast meeting, doctor’s appointment and a lecture. In the early evening I attended the funeral of my son’s father-in-law who was also my friend. And now I am suffering from the dreaded tired mind, so once again we will venture in to the days of old and reprint a Daily from the past.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on February 20, 2003

Did you know that this is Visiting Nurse Week? I keep waiting and they are not visiting me. In fact on Tuesday I had to go see them at the hospital for my weekly IV and next week I will be the visitor, meeting my favorite Pacemaker nurse. So they really should call it Visit a Nurse Week.

~~~

Speaking of nurses, did you know that hugging is healthy? It helps the body’s immune system; it keeps you healthier; it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it’s invigorating, it’s rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug.

Hugging is all-natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial ingredients and 100% wholesome.

Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft proof, non-taxable, non-polluting, and, of course, fully returnable.

~~~

It takes more than just a good looking body. You’ve got to have the heart and soul to go with it.

Lee Haney

~~~

 

She said that:

When I was in my younger days,

I weighed a few pounds less,

I needn’t hold my tummy in

to wear a belted dress.

 

But now that I am older,

I’ve set my body free;

There’s comfort of elastic

where once my waist would be.

 

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes

my feet have not forgiven;

I have to wear a nine now;

But used to wear a seven.

 

And how about those pantyhose-

They’re sized by weight, you see,

So how come when I put them on,

the crotch is at my knees?

 

I need to wear these glasses

as the prints were getting smaller;

And it wasn’t very long ago

I know that I was taller.

 

Though my hair has turned to silver

and my skin no longer fits;

On the inside, I’m the same old me,

Just the outside’s changed a bit.

~~~

I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about forever.

~~~

“I’m so upset,” said Hershberg to his Rabbi. “I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!”

“Have a little patience!” advised the Rabbi. “After all, guys will be guys. So he kissed one of the models, it’s not so terrible.”

“But you don’t understand,” said Hershberg. “I make men’s clothes!”

~~~

“The worst thing about him is that, when he is not drunk, he’s sober.”

W. B. Yeats

~~~

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Johnny interrupted.

“My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

~~~

Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire station. Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Little Johnny, “What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?”

Little Johnny replied promptly, “I don’t put them on.”

~~~

Psychiatrist to male patient: “Did this feeling of being an insignificant pipsqueak come on suddenly, or did it develop normally with marriage and parenthood?”

~~~

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day. It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

~~~

“Never judge a book by its movie”

J.W. Eagan

~~~

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack’s Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

~~~

Good character…is not given to us. We have to build it piece by piece–by thought, choice, courage, and determination.

John Luther

~~~

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning — cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five — double-spaced and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

~~~

“Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.”

Steven Wright

~~~

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual was about to happen.  He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.  He went downstairs – the clock had stopped at 3 o’clock.  He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes – that was it!  He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section.  Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!  The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

~~~

I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.

John Stuart Mill

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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