Ray's musings and humor

I have great news!

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

 Great News

I spent most of yesterday undergoing a wide variety of tests to determine the source of my internal problems. I got some bad news and some great news. The bad news is that I will have surgery early next Tuesday to remove what have been elusive kidney stones that appear to be the cause of problems I have had for some time. The great news is that they found them and they can remove them and I will be reborn, it does not get much better than that.

I hope you’ll forgive me for still being worn out and again sending you a reprint.

 

Ray’s Daily first published on June 28, 2002

I made another dumb mistake today. I guess I am fortunate to be in a position where I am allowed to do things that sometimes are mistakes. I wonder what it would be like to withdraw from all we can do so that we would not have to face the discomfort that comes from a misstep, I would think we would stagnate. I wish I was more like you, so that I would be fault free.

~~~

More news you may have missed:

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

~~~

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~~~

The habit of asking God to prevent calamities is a hard one to break. Thus, it came about that one Jewish businessman, driven to distraction by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, “You should only drop dead – God forbid.”

~~~

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

“The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.”

“But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it.”

“Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!”

~~~

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx

~~~

“You seem like an intelligent, honest man who wouldn’t lie to the court,” the lawyer said sarcastically to the witness. If I wasn’t under oath I’d return the compliment,” said the witness.

~~~

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” replied the little girl, shyly.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,” the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, “Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!”

~~~

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

~~~

Evelyn sent us this.

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fife is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are so arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The women shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

The English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

~~~

“Our greatest glory consists not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”

Oliver Goldsmith

~~~

My English professor was stopped for speeding. When asked why she was driving so fast, she quoted Robert Frost: “I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.”

“But, Miss,” replied the officer, obviously familiar with the poet, “Frost chose the road less traveled, and, unfortunately for you, this wasn’t it.”

~~~

I remember that in the year 1957 we said:

(1)  “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.”

(2)  “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won’t be long when $5000 will only buy a used one.”

(3)  “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit.  A quarter a pack is ridiculous.”

(4)  “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?”

(5)  “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.”

(6)  “When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.  Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage,”

(7)  “Kids today are impossible.  Those ducktail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed.  Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,”

(8)  “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in “Gone With The Wind,” it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it.”

(9)  “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.”

(10)  “Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn’t surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President.”

(11)  “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now.”

(12)  “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.”

(13)  “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

(14)  “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing anymore, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat.”

(15)  “I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

(16)  “Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.”

(17)  “The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.”

(18)  “There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.”

(19)  “No one can afford to be sick any more; $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.”

~~~

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm

Henry David Thoreau

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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