Ray's musings and humor

“In the coldest February, as in every other month in every other year, the best thing to hold on to is each other.”

Linda Ellerbee

 

I was blown away yesterday by so many birthday greetings, a couple of hundred in total. They were from great friends, some of my heroes, loved ones and others from a wide variety of professions. I even had an east coast professor who called and sang happy birthday. I truly appreciated all the kind thoughts. Now life goes on and since I did not seem to get an infusion of maturity so does the Daily.

By the way I also want to give a vote of thanks to my oldest daughter’s friend Mary. You see she has me reporting my weight to her every morning in order to monitor my diet progress. Since she scares me I have reported to her daily, stayed on a rigid diet and have lost a little over five pounds in a week.

Now on with my next year of life, since it is the beginning of February I need to add activities to my three a week cardiac rehab sessions. So here goes my first pass. February is:

  • American Heart Month – For me every month is Heart Month lately. I just wish it would find a different way of periodically reminding me that I have one.
  • An Affair to Remember Month – Is this the movies month? Fortunately people my age fail to remember any they might have had. I wonder…
  • Canned Food Month – My wife does not cook but she has rules. I am not allowed to cook corned beef hash or spam if she is within three miles of the house. I guess with my diet it is just as well for now.
  • Creative Romance Month – I do all the grocery shopping and cooking, that’s pretty romantic don’t you think?
  • Great American Pie Month – Ya sure, I go on a diet and they have a month for one of my favorite foods.
  • National Weddings Month – I don’t even remember if weddings were invented yet when I got married.
  • National Blah Buster Month – Now this one I like, any ideas?
  • National Snack Food Month Thanks again America, you don’t have try to tempt me at every turn. Wait, are celery and carrot sticks snack foods?
  • Responsible Pet Owner Month – We have become so much more responsible now that we bought a ceramic dog.
  • International Twit Award Month – If nominated I will refuse to run.

~~~

When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live.

Samuel Johnson

~~~

Things Your Mom Would Never Say To You

“How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

“Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”

“Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”

“Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”

“Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”

“Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

“The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

“I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”

“Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

~~~

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, “No, I’m the lonely child.”

~~~

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.  The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”

The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”

The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”

~~~

Blutarsky’s Axiom:  Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

~~~

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274” was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?

“Nine” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

~~~

If you want people to think you wise, just agree with them.

Leo Rosten

~~~

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn’t they just throw out the pest.

“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

~~~

“I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, ‘Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.’ He told me to get off his couch.”

Rodney Dangerfield

~~~

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in The New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has Started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed..

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to Achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold It all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t Coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice A week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat Out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

~~~

The fragrance always stays in the hand that gives the rose.

Heda Bejar

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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