Ray's musings and humor

Archive for January, 2012

Achoo!

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.”

Samuel Butler

 

I have been fighting a cold today and that has sapped my energy. I did do well at my Cardiac Rehab session this morning but that coupled with the cold has worn me out. I know I will be better soon but the wisest course right now is to again go to a Ray reprint, so here is the Daily from January 4, 2005. Now I am off to another nap.

~~~

So, how has 2005 been for you so far? I hope you remembered that there is plenty for us to do this month. After all It is:

  • Be On-Purpose Month. Since I will be cruising for part of the month I don’t think this one is possible.
  • Barbecue Month. Oh sure, now they tell me, the grill is outside bundled-up for the winter.
  • Date Your Mate Month. I assume this means my wife and not a buddy of mine.
  • National Retail Bakers Month. Here is another one; it is also National Prune the Fat Month, I wish they would make up their mind.
  • National Yours, Mine and Ours Month. OK you tell me, what is ours?
  • Prevention of Cruelty to Your Money Month. I promise you if you send me some I will treat it kindly.
  • If that was not enough it is also Get Out Your Boxer Shorts Day, National Trivia Day, and Short People Day. So, who was the midget in his underwear?

~~~

WARNING: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.

Ellie Katz ~

~~~

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done – what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, “You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella.”

~~~

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

~~~

Dear Diary… For my birthday present this year, Phil (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team (let’s say over 30 years ago and leave it at that), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Phil seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air –then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@# Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year Phil (the Beast) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

~~~

Getting people to like you is the other side of liking them.

Norman Vincent Peale

~~~

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

The boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?”

~~~

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

~~~

A friend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl:  athletic with a great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my friend asked her if the roast beef was rare.

The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, “Well, no.  We have it, like, just about every day.”

~~~

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it.  I said, ‘Thyroid problem?'”

~~~

A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.

Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.

“Right!” exclaimed the boy.

His dog won first prize.

~~~

Don’t go for looks; they can deceive.

Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Welcome 2012

Goals in writing are dreams with deadlines.

Brian Tracy

 

After I wrote my last Daily of 2011 the year provided me with additional reason to be glad it soon would be over. Friday I ended up having to abort one of my Cardiac Rehab exercises as I had some minor angina that we think was due to increasing the work level on the exercise. Tomorrow is my next session and we are going to tone it down a notch to see if I can make the full time without any problems.

New Year’s Eve was also memorable. We were to join another couple for dinner, a show, a dance band, a midnight celebration and then a fabulous breakfast buffet.  It started off with our friends having to cancel due to a severe health problem and it was too late to offer the expensive tickets to anyone else so we were on our own. I was not really feeling all that well and thought the show was mediocre so we left two hours before the midnight celebration. It did not take too long before we realized that we had a major flat tire, we called AAA and fortunately we got road service fairly quickly allowing us to get home a little after 11 PM. I was wiped out so it did not take long before I was asleep. I was pleased to learn the next day that neither the New York nor any other New Year’s Eve gatherings were postponed because of my absence.

As I said last week the secret is to forget 2011 bad stuff and bank the good stuff, so I have done that. Fortunately New Years Day was great, not the least because we learned that a judge had married our oldest daughter and her fiancée shortly after midnight making theirs one of the first marriages of 2012. Then yesterday I was able to get my car in for service, a new tire and more for what I thought was a reasonable price. So 2012 is going fine so far.

My other news is that I have now mentally stored my 2012 goals but have yet to put them to paper since I am working to make sure they include some stretch while being achievable and I write them with an ink that does not fade too quickly. Here are some tips I picked up that were written by Jon Gordon that you might find useful as a checklist against your goals for this year.

Tips for a Positive New Year (Updated for 2012)

  • Stay Positive. You can listen to the cynics and doubters and believe that success is impossible or you can trust that with faith and an optimistic attitude all things are possible.
  • Take a morning walk of gratitude. It will create a fertile mind ready for success.
  • Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
  • Zoom Focus. Each day when you wake up in the morning ask: “What are the three most important things I need to do today that will help me create the success I desire?” Then tune out all the distractions and focus on these actions.
  • Instead of being disappointed about where you are, think optimistically about where you are going.
  • Don’t chase success. Instead decide to make a difference and success will find you.
  • Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
  • Live with the 3 E’s. Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.
  • Believe that everything happens for a reason and expect good things to come out of challenging experiences.
  • Implement the No Complaining Rule. Remember that complaining is like vomiting. Afterwards you feel better but everyone around you feels sick.
  • Focus on “Get to” vs “Have to.” Each day focus on what you get to do, not what you have to do. Life is a gift not an obligation.
  • 18. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
  • I am thankful for __________.
  • Today I accomplished____________.
  • Smile and laugh more. They are natural anti-depressants.
  • Enjoy the ride. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy it.

~~~

“Without goals, and plans to reach them, you are like a ship that has set sail with no destination.” Fitzhugh Dodson

~~~

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”

The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff. ”

~~~

“Whether it’s the best of times, or the worst of times, it’s the only time you’ve got.”

Art Buchwald

~~~

A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.

“I’ll say he is Daddy,” she replied… “Why just last night he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with.

~~~

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

Kimberly Johnson

~~~

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand.

The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf – who was waving a union jack –on the roof of a car, whilst traveling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard and you were totally nude?”

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said….. “What was the date again?

~~~

I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacation with better care than they do their lives.Perhaps that is because escape is easier than change.

Jim Rohn

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@gmail.com. Back issues are posted at https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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