Ray's musings and humor

What time is it? Where am I?

“Learn the past, watch the present, and create the future.”

 

Here is my things to do list for today.

  1. Doctor appointment with my Pulmonologist and Sleep Specialist.
  2. Lunch with one of my grandsons.
  3. Ethics lecture at the University.
  4. Select a past Daily to send since I already have too much on my plate, I hope it is OK.

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published September 27, 2000

More rules for life from our friends down South:

Talk slowly but think quickly.

When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your mom.

Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

~~~

I’m not a complete idiot – several parts are missing.

~~~

The Official Golf Survival Handbook. Dictionary of terms every golfer should know

Golf – A beautiful walk spoiled by a small white ball.

Fore – A warning to the slow foursome ahead that one of them may be knocked unconscious by the ball you just hit.

Hack – Golfer who yells “Fore,” but causes people behind him to duck.

Divot – Crater left in the fairway after a bad stroke.

Rough – Area on the course the landscapers forgot to mow.

Victory – When a golfer finds a better ball than the one he just lost.

Hack – Golfer who never loses any balls because they don’t go far enough.

Hazard – Area on the golf course that you reach in one shot.

Sandtrap – Place where a hack spends a lot of time – along with his sand wedge, beach towel and tanning oil.

The Drink – Place where a hack goes snorkeling for the ball he just hit out of the sandtrap.

Caddy – Kid you pay money to lug around your clubs, give you advice, and watch you struggle in hazards and traps, lose money and swear.

Golf – A FORE letter word.

Mulligan – Free shot taken when your drive doesn’t go past the women’s tee.

Guilt – Taking 6 strokes, writing down 5, and wiping you finger prints off the pencil.

Veracity – Cheating on your score at the 5th hole– and feeling bad about it for the next 13.

Hack – Golfer who needs a calculator to keep track of his score.

Golf – A game where everyone in front of you is to slow and everyone behind you is too fast.

Heaven – An empty golf course on a Sunday afternoon.

Hell – An overcrowded golf course, due to a golf tournament on the one day you have off from work.

~~~

He Said: Marriage is like tobacco-its popularity is all out of proportion to its benefits.

~~~

She said:

You can’t change a man — unless he’s in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him the checkbook.

~~~

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. “Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

~~~

More things we learned from the movies:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.

Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

~~~

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

~~~

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.”  Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

~~~

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

~~~

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook??”

~~~

Americans are getting stronger.  Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

~~~

“Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle”

1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!

2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.

8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

~~~

“Change is what keeps us fresh and innovative.

Change is what keeps us from getting stale.

Change is what keeps us young.”

Rick Pitino

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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