Ray's musings and humor

Archive for July, 2011

Listen to Andy

A single conversation with a wise man is better than ten years of study.

Chinese Proverb

The other day an old friend sent me a copy of things Andy Rooney said he had learned over his many years of life. While I believe I shared this list with you years ago I think this is a good time to do it again. It is a long list but well worth our time. Following his advice can put us on the road to peace and happiness versus anger and distress. Value you what you have for it is so much more than what most possess.

 

What I have Learned

I’ve learned…..That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.

I’ve learned….That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.

I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.

I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people who are smarter than I am.

I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned…. That life is tough, but I’m tougher.

I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

I’ve learned …. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

~~~

I am learning all the time.  The tombstone will be my diploma.

Eartha Kitt

~~~

For a student whose name is Kathleen,

With a mind that’s not overly keen,

Graduation is sure,

As she’s hardly demure

And has often been seen with the Dean.

~~~

I am said to say that your garbage disposal eats better than 70% of the world’s people.

~~~

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

~~~

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

Abigail Van Buren

~~~

“This next one,” the disc jockey said, “is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven.  Hey, Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!”

There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice, “I’m sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill.”

~~~

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

Alexander Pope

~~~

He said: As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married.  To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.

“You’re right, Steve,” she said.  “Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry.”

~~~

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”

Theodore Isaac Rubin

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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Where have all the good men gone?

The great blessing of mankind are within us and within our reach; but we shut our eyes, and like people in the dark, we fall foul upon the very thing we search for, without finding it.

Seneca

As I have searched for the good life I have learned that a Timex watch keeps about as good time as a Rolex, likewise a Ford Focus can take you anywhere a Ferrari can. Yes, with a reasonable amount of luck, a modest income and a manageable economy life can be pretty good. Sometimes however external factors can create roadblocks. I am concerned that what is going on in Washington might become one of the biggest yet.

I have been expressing my concern about our ever growing deficit for years, but I did not expect the problem to catch up with us so quickly. What shocks me is how little my fellow citizens seem to know about the risks we are facing. Just one catastrophic example would be the significant rise in interest rates if we fail to raise the debt ceiling in the mistaken belief that it would result in reduced spending, when in reality the increased interest cost on the National Debt would be staggering.

Surveys say the public wants to solve the debt problem by drastic spending cuts and yet they fight against any cuts in social programs like Medicare or Social Security. We want roads that are now falling apart repaired, we want world class education and so much more and yet we don’t want to pay for it. Sadly that is what got us in trouble in the first place. We say that we support no revenue increases, in fact we want to pay even less for what we get. As an example I don’t understand our unwillingness to eliminate tax breaks that would result in loophole beneficiaries paying the same taxes as others.

Now is the time to take a big bite out of the problem yet my Republican Party House Members, say no way, they seem to feel that if we crash and burn things will be better. What we need to do is cut as much as we can, save as much as we can and pay for what we get. There is no way we can get to where we need to be with token cost cutting and a free lunch tax system.

Why do I care? While I can drive a modest car, limit spending on luxuries, avoid expensive food choices and be fine, I cannot do even modestly well if my retirement funds shrink because of government fiscal irresponsibility. The sad part is that so many politicians are depending on our lack of understanding of the issues. Too many of us believe that everything will be OK if they just cut everyone else, in truth there is not that much to cut. We are like the guy who fell off the top of the empire state building saying as he passed the 50th floor, I don’t see the problem I am OK so far.

I apologize for putting this uncharacteristic rant in the Daily but I just want to shout one more time to the members in Washington, “Stop posturing and pandering to the polarized party base, hopefully you are smart enough to know we need significant action with everything, costs, revenue, and social program modification on the table if we are going to stay afloat. Quit using job protection as your excuse for inaction, be a statesman for that is what our country needs now!”

~~~

“A politician thinks of the next election. A statesman, of the next generation.”

James Freeman Clarke

~~~

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.  When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance agent.  Ask about our term-life package.”

~~~

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Dorothy Canfield Fisher

~~~

He said: My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie’s house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. “But, Mom,” he said, brightening, “you don’t have to worry about buying another one. Charlie’s mother said it was irreplaceable.”

~~~

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Steven Wright

~~~

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”

He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”

~~~

“When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.”

Author Unknown

~~~

For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions. “There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, “I think it’s a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”

~~~

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

~~~

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors’ house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, “We aren’t going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, I don’t want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison.”

He then said, “I don’t think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them.”

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol’ Spot’s (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol’ Spot didn’t slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Brown, Spot just died.”

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, “It’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone’s stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm.” It wasn’t long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”

~~~

A disposition to preserve, and an ability to improve, taken together, would be my standard of a statesman.

Edmund Burke

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Today is your day

Treat yourself, you’re worth it!

Iram Javed

 

I have an idea, lets you and I have a great day today. Let’s close down our complaint department, either delegate any worry to someone else to fret about or write whatever it is down on a piece of paper and put the paper on the things to do pile for next week. I have decided that we need to reward ourselves, in fact I think I will give myself the pleasure of calling a friend or two and tell them that I am having a great day and since they are so special I want them to have one too. This is the day you can give yourself permission to do something frivolous, have dinner someplace special − hopefully with someone special, catch a movie, see a play, do something silly, you get the idea. After all it is your special day. If it is too late in the day to start today you can do it on Monday, just do it, don’t put it off to someday for someday never seems to arrive.

Here are some other ideas on ways to reward yourself from an article by Stephanie Osfield. Whatever it is you do remember it is your gift to yourself for being able to get through the bad days. Have fun, I know I will.

For $5 or less, why not…

 

Sip on a cup of tea in a cozy café. I’ll be getting a Grande Latte at my favorite Starbucks.

Finish the day with a long, soak in the tub with a glossy magazine.

Enjoy a leisurely morning — take the phone off the hook and spend the morning in your pajamas reading the newspaper, a book or poring over a few magazines.

Savor a celebratory glass of wine with dinner.

For $10 or less, why not…

Pick up that new book you’ve had your eye on.

Download the latest album from your favorite band.

Buy a relaxation tape and use it daily.

Share dessert with your partner at a café.

For $20 to $45, why not…

Phone your distant friends. Choose a time when the phone company has low rates and you can spend hours catching up.

Get yourself a haircut or blowout, or a 30-minute massage.

 

I have my own list and I am sure you do too. One caveat though, if you do go skinny dipping don’t get caught!

~~~

Getting rewarded for work done well is one of the most positive experiences one can possibly get. Mostly, nobody bothers with it, so you have to do it yourself. Reward yourself and become a happier person.

Lucas Die

~~~

“The Homeowner’s Guide To Tools”

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was usedto inflict pain on one’s enemies.  Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.

Chain saw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips – A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

~~~

Live before you die.

~~~

Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.

The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”

Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

~~~

Make up a language and ask people for directions.

~~~

Soon after their last child left home for college, Linda’s husband was resting next to her on the couch with his head in her lap.

She carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” she said sweetly, “Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

~~~

Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham.

~~~

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Jimmy got up to read his, “Papa fell in the well last week…” he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Ms. Roseapple, “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” replied Jimmy, “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

~~~

“The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.”

Robert Frost

~~~

An old wild west fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. “Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

Yumti-Bi laid down and put his ear to the ground… “Heap large — war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”

“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

~~~

“By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before.”

Edwin Elliot

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Do you know how good you are?

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Ambrose Redmoon

Lately I have thought a lot about people I know who don’t seem to realize how good they are. Often I have sat with someone for hours just talking about their lives, their likes, dislikes, skills, accomplishments and more when suddenly they see themselves in a different light. I suspect that the inability to understand one’s self is so prevalent because we often combine an unwillingness to compare ourselves to our own criteria rather than someone else’s and the fear of what we will find if we look deeper into ourselves. How sad it is to see really good people miss much in their lives because they have relegated themselves to mediocrity out of fear that they don’t have the ability to do anything else.

Yep, we are often our own worst enemies when we find it easier to just give in rather than risk change. Fortunately I know of hundreds of examples of people who decided that they were not going to stay locked into an unsatisfactory job or an uninteresting personal life. Sure risk taking takes courage, but we should not let our misguided lack of confidence keep us from finding a happier life.

Here is a poem that makes a lot of sense to me, does it to you as well?

 

It takes Courage

 

It takes strength to be firm,

It takes courage to be gentle.

 

It takes strength to conquer,

It takes courage to surrender.

 

It takes strength to be certain,

It takes courage to have doubt.

 

It takes strength to fit in,

It takes courage to stand out.

 

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,

It takes courage to feel your own pain.

 

It takes strength to endure abuse,

It takes courage to stop it.

 

It takes strength to stand alone,

It takes courage to lean on another.

 

It takes strength to love,

It takes courage to be loved.

 

It takes strength to survive,

It takes courage to live.

~~~

Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.

Mary Anne Radmacher

~~~

At their garage sale, my daughters put all of the “junk” they just wanted to get rid of in a carton marked “Free Box.”  Moments after they set it at the end of the driveway, a man drove up, looked at the box, dumped its contents on the lawn, and drove off with the box.

~~~

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

Golda Meir

~~~~~~

Hints From Helga

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, “I’d love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist “This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes…”

General Cleaning: Mix one-quart cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cup soft water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh: “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

~~~

Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love.

St. Francis of Assisi

~~~

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

~~~

“Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”

Franklin P. Jones

~~~

A millionaire had fallen ill. All the doctors that were consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the rich man said,

“Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible, I’ll get it for you.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.”

With that, the doctor left. The doctor didn’t hear from the millionaire for some months. Then one day, he got a phone call from him.

“Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn’t have swimming pools, and I didn’t think they were good enough for you. So I had pools installed, and they’re all ready for you now!”

~~~

Courage can’t see around corners, but goes around them anyway.

Mignon McLaughlin

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

I am well paid for what I do

Some of the secret joys of living are not found by rushing from point A to point B, but by inventing some imaginary letters along the way.

Douglas Pagels

I am off on special assignment today so I am sending you another Daily that was published years ago. But before I do I thought I would again answer the question I am often asked, “Why have you been publishing Ray’s Daily for the past eleven years?” As I have often said, one of the reasons is that it requires me to think about my world on a regular basis, but that is not all. The best part is that I get paid by many of the readers. Here is a copy of my most recent payment.

 

Dear Ray,

Thank you for posting this particular message today.  If not for your timely message I could have gotten extremely stressed out, wasted a lot of time and energy, and not to mention, would have come out of it, worse off!  I had received some discouraging news but I really have no control over it, but the more I thought about it, the angrier I got and it kept me awake until 4:45 am.  Then I opened this email.  Thanks to you, I can now go to sleep, and have a better day tomorrow.  Your timing was impeccable.  Although I know all you wrote about, reading it put everything into perspective.  Thank you Ray!

Sincerely,

Kathleen

Your loyal fan since yahoo 360 days!!!

 

By the way Kathleen is one of those close friends I have never met.

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published July 13, 2004

~~~

A man was lying on the psychiatrist’s couch as his therapist addressed him.

“Well, Jim. I’m pleased to announce that this will be our final session. I believe that you finally are cured of your paranoia.”

“Yes, doctor. I am.”

“I remember how you used to think that men in black were following you everywhere. But you don’t believe that anymore, do you?”

“No, doctor. I don’t”

“I remember also how you used to think that black helicopters were hovering over your house. But you don’t believe that anymore either, do you?”

“No, doctor. I don’t”

“Finally, I remember how you used to think that CIA agents were monitoring your mail, bugging your phone, and snooping into your affairs. But you don’t believe that anymore either, do you?”

“No, doctor. I don’t. Thanks to your therapy, I no longer harbor such delusions. In fact, you’ve been so helpful to me, that I’m really sorry that I have to kill you now,” said Jim, as he pulled out a gun.

The psychiatrist was shocked. “Wait a minute. Why do you have to kill me?”

“You know too much.”

~~~

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

~~~

A woman named Emily renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation, She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. “What I mean is,” explained the recorder, “do you have a job, or are you just a . . . .?”

“Of course I have a job,” snapped Emily. “I’m a Mom.”

“We don’t list ‘Mom’ as an occupation.’Housewife’ covers it,” said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation….this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar”.   “What is your occupation?” she probed. What made me say it, I do not know? The words simply popped out.

“I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations”

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.  I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, “I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn’t), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I’m working for my Masters! , (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters).Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?), and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.”

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants — ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.  I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another Mom.”

Motherhood . . ..What a glorious career! Especially when there’s a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations” and great grandmothers “Executive Senior Research Associates also think it makes Aunts “Associate Research Assistants”?

~~~

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, “You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?”

The old man replies, “I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”

The journalist is amazed. “How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?” she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. “Like I’m talking to a wall.”

~~~

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

~~~

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, “Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!”

~~~

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Benjamin Franklin

~~~

To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:

“The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?”

~~~

If you like gambling, the worst thing you can do is bring your spouse with you to the casino.

If you lose, they get mad.

If you win, they want half!

~~~

Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty. It merely moves from their faces to their hearts.

Martin Buxbaum

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

Got a minute? I could use your help today!

Hi all

 

I sure could use your help today. As many of you know I spend much of my time assisting OASIS in their effort to provide meaningful programs to the over fifty crowd. Here in Indiana we receive no government funding, limited outside assistance while providing services to the more than 25,000 members. It is done with little money and thousands of volunteer hours by hundreds of its members. Now Sams Club makes it possible for you to help today by just taking a few minutes of your time. But it must be done today as you can see from the message below. I sure would appreciate your help.

 

Here is one of my Tweets:

 

Oasis Indianapolis is great & today Sam’s Club is donating $5 every time I tweet and include #AdultWellness @samsclub in the tweet. Join me?

 

My Best Always,

 

Ray

 


Dear Raymond,

Your vote today and everyday helps folks like Rosetta!

We need your vote again today to “promote wellness for adults 50+!”  By doing so, you’ll help expand OASIS classes to help people get healthy and stay active, just like Rosetta Fairchild.  Rosetta loves to travel, and OASIS exercise classes help keep her energy level and outlook to take the trips she loves, not to mention making new friends.

 

Not a Sam’s Club Member?
You can still vote for wellness for adults 50+ on July 12 with Twitter!


On Tuesday, July 12,
ANYONE can vote for OASIS in the Sam’s Club Giving Made Simple campaign – through Twitter. Cast your vote by “tweeting” … all you have to do is include the Sam’s Club handle, @samsclub, and the OASIS hashtag #AdultWellness in your tweet, and it will count as a $5 vote for OASIS.
You can tweet up to 20 times per Twitter account on July 12. Tweet for Tai Chi! Tweet for Yoga! Here are more reasons to Tweet! Don’t have a Twitter account or not sure how to tweet? We’ve got you covered – click here for help on both.

And … if you ARE a Sam’s member, you can tweet AND still vote on the Giving Made Simple page! If you do both, each counts as $5 for OASIS!

Thank you!
The OASIS Giving Made Simple Team

 

Let’s stamp out stress!

I’ve have had many troubles in my life but the worst of them never came.

James A. Garfield

There sure seems to be a whole lot of stress going around these days. We live in a society that seems to becoming more polarized each day. Far too many of the folks I know are struggling to make ends meet and more and more young people have taken on staggering student loans only to find upon graduating that the jobs that jobs they would need to live on while paying off their debt just are not that easy to find.

Many of the worst cases find that there are huge holes in the safety net because there are too many problems for cash stressed not-for-profits to alleviate. The rest of us may be doing OK but most of us don’t have the wherewithal to do more than provide minimal help to others as our disposable income shrinks because of inflation along with record high food and energy prices. Fortunately almost all of us and I hope all of you can adjust and survive. Some of us have even made positive lifestyle changes that have turned out to be a godsend. However it is not always easy as stress often builds and sometimes even turns into chronic depression.

Fortunately we don’t have to let things take us down. If you have been reading the Daily for any length of time you know I am a big believe in appreciating what we do have while not placing too much importance on what we don’t have. I know that is not always easy so today I would like to offer the following for your consideration.

 

Eight Tips for Stress-Free Living

By Jim Estill

The following are eight ways I deal with stress:

1. I figure out what I can control. Stress for me is caused by situations that are out of my control. Even if this is the case, there is always something that I can do that is within my control. For example, I cannot control currency fluctuations but I can take actions that cause them to have less financial impact on me.

2. Stress is related to problem solving skills. I work on my problem solving by writing the problem down. Just the simple act of writing it down tends to help with the solution and also helps reduce the stress.

3. Look at what is really happening. Much stress is created in our imagination. We tend to think the problem is worse than what it is.

4. Exercise. Exercise keeps me centered. The times stress bothers me the most is when I have not balanced myself. Plain and simple – exercise reduces stress and the negative reactions to stress. Even a five minute walk can make me feel calmer.

5. Take a few slow, deep breaths. It is amazing how this reduces my stress reaction.

6. Help someone less fortunate. Nothing puts things into perspective better.

7. Acceptance. If there is truly nothing I can do, then worrying only creates stress. This is easy to say but I work hard at trying to accept what I cannot control; however, not until I have done a lot of brainstorming to make sure I cannot do anything about the problem.

8. Stress tends to be closely tied to time management and most of you know I am a student of this. If I am well organized and using my time effectively, I can handle stress better.

Managing stress is a bit like white water canoeing. The water will win if you try to control it – instead, work with it. Simply help guide a bit, but let the river do the work.

 

I told a friend today who has had to deal with overwhelming challenges in her life that I often have to stop and tell myself that as bad as it might seem to be today the world did not end, life goes on and I have another day to play tomorrow.

~~~

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

-Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

~~~

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I’d be inconspicuous.

However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym’s only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.

~~~

We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are.”

Talmud

~~~

He said: Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.   “Trinidad,” I said.

“Is that in Arabia?”

“The Caribbean.”

She laughed, “Sorry, I never was very good at geometry.”

~~~

“One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged.

Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.”

Lucille Ball

~~~

A story concerns itself with a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster of a small mid-western town. He asked for the name of a honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods. He got this reply:

“Dear Sir:

I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. And if I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim.”

~~~

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

~~~

He said: When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it.

One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.”

~~~

What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.

Thaddeus Golas

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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