Ray's Daily

Some days there won’t be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway.

Emory Austin

I am moving a little too slow at the moment and have an early breakfast meeting so I am again retrieving from the vault.

Ray’s Daily first published on July 20, 2004

Well my social calendar is full today and tomorrow, what with blood draws, Hematologist and Cardiologist appointments, pacemaker checks and EKG’s I will be pretty busy. It is nice to be so wanted. Maybe a friendship club would be cheaper though.

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“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing that we can do is to play on the one string we have and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes.”

Charles Swindoll

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Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.

John Macnaughton

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It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

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Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

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Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60’s asked the elderly lady, “Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?”

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said — “You ask me how I’m feeling! I’ll tell you how I’m feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can’t sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!”

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion, “If you’re feeling so awful, why didn’t you come and see me right away?”

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, “I was just waiting until I felt a little better.”

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“A man sent a postcard from Las Vegas to a friend: Having a wonderful time. Wish I could afford it.”

Myron Cohen

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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin …As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.  As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.  “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrr, Gerrrr, Kiiiing.”

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To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful, kindly, cheerful, reverent that is to triumph over old age.

Amos Bronson Alcott

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The Association of Southern Schools has decided to seek a grant designating Southern slang, or Y’allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y’allbonics/English dictionary.

1) HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

2) HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi, Hire yew?”

3) BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow”. Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

4) JAWJUH – (noun) – The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner.”

5) BAMMER – (noun) – The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000 in improvements.”

6) MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

7) THANK – (verb) – Cognitive process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

8) BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a nutter bare.”

9) IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage:” Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”

10) RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

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Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

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A guy meets a childhood pal: “What are you doing for yourself these days?”

I’m a fireman.

Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.

Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again:

Well, did your son become a fireman?

No, but I have two daughters who are “pole dancers.”

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Q: Did you hear about the new auto insurance policy for Jewish mothers?

A: It is known as the “My Fault” policy.

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IT’S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN…

…you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

…your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy’s first wife was.

…you get winded just saying the words “six-kilometer run.”

…you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

…you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you’re wearing a bathing suit.

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Law of Institutional Food: Everything is cold except what should be.

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An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.

“For instance,” he said, “some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked a sarcastic member of the group.

“I’m not absolutely sure,” answered the expert, “but I bet it sounds something like. “Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'”

~~~

Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved.

Marcus Antonius

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Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

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