Ray's musings and humor

“In the coldest February,

As in every other month in every other year,

The best thing to hold on to is each other.”

Linda Ellerbee

 

Today is Groundhog Day, supposedly if the groundhog comes out and sees his shadow winter will last an additional six weeks. If the groundhog has any sense at all he’ll just stay in since the weather in our part of the world is horrible  ice, blizzards and high winds provide man and beast plenty of reason to just home.

The tough part is that February is a short month and it will get a late start with so many of us hiding out. I am the process of putting together my “you better do it” list. Here are some of this month’s national events I need to consider, it is:

 

  • ·         Low Vision Awareness Month – I took care of this last month, I bought new glasses and now see things that are both high and low.
  • ·         American Heart Month – I am grateful for mine since after two heart operations, my medications and a second Pacemaker mine is fine, thank you very much.
  • ·         Bird Feeding Month – Invite a Wren to dinner.
  • ·         Cat Health Month – Buy a membership at the feline health club for your cat?
  • ·         Creative Romance Month – I am at the age where memories are about as creative as I get.
  • ·         Dental Month – I am sure I helped my dentist fund a vacation or two last year; this year I’ll let him celebrate on his own nickel (I hope).
  • ·         Friendship Month – In my case every month is friendship month, friends’ fuel the fire and you should keep your life filled with them.
  • ·         Library Lovers Month – Make sure you don’t forget to send your library flowers on Valentines Day.
  • ·         Potato Lovers Month – This ones easy, I have never met a potato that I didn’t like.
  • ·         Sinus Pain Awareness Month – Oh really? I have never been unaware of the pain when my sinus’ act up.
  • ·         Snack Food Month – Sure, thanks a lot, I am trying to hold my weight down!
  • ·         Wise Health Consumer Month – I try to only consume wise health, I find dumb health to be problematic and counterproductive.

 

Oh the heck with it, I am going to make it a worry free month, I’ll try to have fun, stay well, do the best I can and try not to hurt anyone, what about you?

~~~

If February give much snow A fine Summer it doth foreshow.

English proverb

~~~

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man, “same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”  Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.  “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right.  Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

~~~

Support a Lawyer – Become a Doctor

~~~

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

~~~

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

~~~

An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.

The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, ”Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

~~~

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

~~~

After 50 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly. “but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”

~~~

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

~~~

As a mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mother saw an opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

The older boy said to his younger brother, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

~~~

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire:  it is the time for home.” 

Edith Sitwell

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun. 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile. 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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