Ray's musings and humor

Archive for December, 2010

Farewell old friend, I shall return

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Well gang this is it. I am off to a day filled with meetings, research and more in anticipation of my special assignment. Tomorrow I will be at the Radio Station at 5:30 AM manning phones for the Salvation Army fundraiser and then I will be packing my foul weather gear, my survival equipment, medical kits and other accessories for my trip. I would tell you more but that will have to wait until my return when Ray’s Daily is again back in business and that will be in about a week if all goes well.

In the meantime your assignment, if you willing to accept it is to help as many as you can while staying well and happy. This will be a great week to greet everyone with a smile, asking them how they are doing and wishing them well. I did that yesterday with a restaurant server that I just met for a moment who then proceeded to ask me if she could help with our Salvation Army fund raiser which she will do this weekend.

~~~

I am glad you’re not like so many others who have convinced themselves that they just don’t have the time to do something for others. I truly feel sorry for those folks for they miss way too much of the good things in life. How we use time and set priorities is strictly up to us. Here is what Ralph Marston wrote about time a while back.

There is always time

Does it seem that there’s not enough time? The fact is, at the moment, there is nothing other than now.

Time is something you look back upon or imagine moving through. Now is what you have to work with.

No matter how long you think it might take, what matters is what you are doing about it right now. Now is when you can make the effort, and now is when you can have an influence.

Everything that has ever been accomplished has been done by making use of a succession of present moments. You have just as much time as everyone else because everyone has this same moment right now.

Instead of putting off the effort, now is your opportunity to make it real and to make it happen. By making full use of this present moment, you make the next one more valuable.

Dream big dreams, then jump right in and live those dreams.

There is always time, and it is always now.

~~~

Forever is composed of nows.

Emily Dickinson

~~~

“Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry.”

“Mr. Smith,” replied the judge, “I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph.”

~~~

“Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.”

~~~

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.

After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”

“Who has that kind of money?”

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me fifty bucks and get out.”

“I can give you twenty says the man. Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”

“Listen, Doctor”, says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive.”

~~~

“People who never get carried away should be.”

Malcolm Forbes

~~~

“The Big IQ Test”

Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered “smart.” Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!

On your mark, get set, go…

1: You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place.  In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you’re now in first, you’re wrong!  You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place.

For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it… How can you overtake the person who is last? If you’re behind him, he can’t be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.

Anyway, here’s another question to try. Don’t take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.

3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000.  Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.  Plus 1000. And plus 10.  What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000?

Well, wrong again!

The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a calculator.

Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right…

4: Marie’s father has five daughters:

  1. Chacha

  2. Cheche

  3. Chichi

  4. Chocho

  5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter’s name?

Think quickly… you’ll find the answer below..

Answer: Are you thinking ‘Chuchu’?

WRONG!

It’s obviously Marie!  Read the question properly. ‘Oy, what a day I’m having….’

~~~

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

Karen Kaiser Clark

~~~

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”

“Two days ago.”

“Hmm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer.”

“What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”

“He’s taking every penny I make.”

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

~~~

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time of life.

“Why,” I answered without a thought, “now.”

David Grayson

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun. 

Ray Mitchell

Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile. 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

’tis the season

“How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?”

Dr. Seuss

Can you believe it, December already? I don’t remember a year going by as fast as this one has. Maybe if things did not go so well, I had less fun and fewer friends my life would seem a lot slower. As of right now I am not ready to give up anything including napping when I can. The next few days are not going to be much different either.

Today I’ll be taping a TV show on the value of volunteerism; I may even make a pitch that it is a selfish act since those that do volunteer get so much out of doing it. I think doing unselfish things for others in a way brings as much if not more to self.

Tomorrow is not much different with meetings and commitments but at least if I do something dumb it won’t be on TV. And then Friday it will be radio station time as I answer calls from Salvation Army donors, this is one of those work-for-food jobs since the Salvation Army has great folks who bring us super food.

I also have to shut down Ray’s Daily Friday and turn off the lights for a week or so before I go on special assignment. Possibly I’ll be able to report on the world and its wonders when I return.

Yep, December is going to be some month capped off by our Christmas and pre-New Year festivities. I hope it does not wiz by so fast that I miss some of it. And if that was not enough I also need to consider the following activities for it is:

  • Hi Neighbor Month – So hi neighbor, whew that was a chore but at least I can check it off the list.
  • Bingo’s Birthday Month – Now this one is a challenge, what do you do to celebrate, oh well I’ll start — B7…that is B7.
  • Drunk and Drugged Driving Awareness Month – Seriously please don’t destroy you’re your holidays by driving when you shouldn’t; we care too much for you and would hate to lose you.
  • International Calendar Awareness Month – OK, I know it is December and I am aware we need a 2011 calendar.
  • Made In America Month – Yes I was
  • National Indigestion Season – If I would have known about this earlier I would have waited to visit our new neighborhood deli, but oh boy was the Pastrami good.
  • Stress-Free Family Holidays Month – and my dear friends I hope that these are your best ever holidays, make sure you hug everyone and let them know how glad you are that they are there.

~~~

God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.

James M. Barrie

~~~

Rabbi Bloom and Father O’Reilly were arguing one day about religion. They went on for some time and very soon, things began to get out of hand.

Finally Rabbi Bloom said, “We must not quarrel in this way. It’s not right. We are both doing God’s work, you in your way and I in His.”

~~~

Have you ever thought that life is a car wash, and you’re on a bike?

~~~

She said, I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem, one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery, a growing menace that can be summed up in three words: Men Doing Laundry (MDL).

At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem, especially to members of the female species, who generally prefer MDL to WDL. MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks, and countless broken relationships.

Wife: “Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?”

Husband: “Yes, of course I did.  I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top.”

Wife: “You idiot, you were supposed to wash them separately. You obviously don’t know what separation means, but trust me, you’re about to find out!”

~~~

Pharmacist to customer: “Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off.”

~~~

Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

Husband: “I’m sorry dear, but I’m up to my neck in work today.”

Wife: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.”

Husband: “Okay, darling, but as I’ve got very little time now, so just give me the good news.”

Wife: “Well, the air bag works.”

~~~

“In an exclusive interview tonight on ABC, Martha Stewart is quoted as saying, ‘I don’t know why people don’t like me.’  Fortunately for Martha, it wasn’t a call-in show.”

Conan O’Brien

~~~

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

~~~

Quotes from job interviews of some famous people.

Pandora – I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan – My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

MacBeth – Would I go after my boss’s job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva – What do mean this isn’t business casual?

Elvis – My last boss and I… say, are you going to eat those fries?

~~~

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.

~~~

The child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

~~~

“England and America are two countries separated by a common language.”

George Bernard Shaw

~~~

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The porter looked a bit confused, but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. “You must mean the lift.”

“No, if I ask for the elevator, I mean the elevator.”

“Well, over here, we call them lifts.”

“Now, you listen here. Someone in America invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are, sir. But someone here in England invented the language.”

~~~

“I heard a bird sing

In the dark of December

A magical thing

And sweet to remember.

 

‘We are nearer to Spring

Than we were in September,’

I heard a bird sing

In the dark of December.”

Oliver Herford

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

 This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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