Ray's musings and humor

Ray’s out and about today

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

Andre Gide

 

I have a fully loaded day away today so I will again test your recall with a Daily from another day.

Ray

~~~

Ray’s Daily first published on October 21, 2002

My life is full of adventure, Kiwanis meetings and projects, a little writing, lectures at the senior center, and some volunteer activities. Pity my poor brother he never gets to do any of this, as you can see from the following satellite e-mail I got the other day.

 Dear Ray & Nancy,

Just a quick note to let you know we did leave Madagascar yesterday morning, the 17th, and have gone about 120 miles.  We had light winds yesterday and had to motor 8 hours, but the trades have now come back at 20 knots and we are going wing n wing at 6 knots.  Skies are clear, there’s a nice big moon, and all’s well.  1200 miles to go to Richards Bay, on the NW coast of South Africa. 

We have caught 2 fish since we left, one each morning, a wahoo first and then a yellowfin tuna (the best kind, like albacore).So we’re eating like kings out here.

Love to all, Paul and Susan

 Just he and his wife on a 35 foot sail boat, and this has been going on for more than 20 years. They use to sail exclusively in the South Pacific but now are working there way back to the United States, I would expect they will arrive sometime next year.

My wife and I would not survive even 20 weeks together in closed quarters, much less 20 years. She tried staying on a larger boat for a couple of days years ago, and that was enough for her for a lifetime.

~~~

A large volume of adventures may be grasped within this little span of life, by him who interests his heart in everything.

Laurence Sterne

~~~

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

~~~

“Never put off till tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow.”

Mark Twain

~~~

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.  Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”

“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.

~~~

Good leaders guide the willing and persuade the stubborn.

~~~

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

~~~

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”

Cher

~~~

Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60’s asked the elderly lady—“Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?”

For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said–“You ask me how I’m feeling! I’ll tell you how I’m feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can’t sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!”

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion. “If you’re feeling so awful, why don’t you come and see me right away?”

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, “I was just waiting until I felt a little better.”

~~~

Q. What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

~~~

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine”.

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens — the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me — it’s this bloody horse. What is he — deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf — he’s BLIND!”

~~~

Wear sleeveless shirts!  Support your right to bare arms!

~~~

Cheer Up!!!”

* The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.

* They say the house didn’t float very far at all.

* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

* The “National Inquirer” just loved those nude shots of you.

* With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.

* The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.

* The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

* At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.

* The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.

* Those Grand Juries always overreact. Don’t worry about it.

* The boss said while you’re sick, he’d do all your work personally.

~~~

Gene the lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, “I saw the whole thing. I’ll take either side.”

~~~

Few will have the greatness to bend history itself. But each of us can work to change a small portion of events. And in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation.

Robert F. Kennedy

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

 This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can request to be added by e-mailing me at raykiwsp@yahoo.com. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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