Ray's musings and humor

You can’t change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

~~~

 

 

Ray’s away today getting his car repaired amongst other things so you’re stuck with me. Since I don’t create only distribute it is another reprint day, this is one of the first Dailies and was published ten years ago today.

Ray’s Computer

~~~

Ray’s Daily published October 12, 2000

~~~

This is a day of mourning for Terry S., as Tom Mix the former Texas Ranger who made perhaps $10K a week at the height of his career in silent films, enormous dollars for the times, died on this day. He was killed in 1940 while he was driving his roadster in the Arizona desert and a suitcase flew off of the rear shelf and crushed his head.

~~~

Kids rules for life:

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.” – Michael, age 14

“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.” – Joel, age 12

“When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone.” – Alyesha, age 13

“Never try to baptize a cat.” – Laura, age 13

~~~

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

~~~

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2.  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4.  This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5.  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6.  My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7.  Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.  “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9.  “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company.

Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.

Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)

~~~

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

~~~

   A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework.  A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

   One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

   “But why?” asked the disappointed wife.

   She hemmed and hawed and said she didn’t want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, “Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I’m pregnant.”

   The wife said, “Look, we don’t want to lose you.  My husband and I don’t have any children, and we’ll adopt your baby if you will stay.”

   She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay.  The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

   After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.  The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay.  She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

   In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant.  They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.  She worked for a week or two, but then said, “I am definitely leaving this time.”

   “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant again?” asked the lady of the house.

   “No,” she said, “there are just too many kids here to pick up after.”

~~~

”In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”

Robert Frost

~~~

She said:

I’m not as dumb as you look.

I’m not fat just horizontally disproportionate.

I’m not loafing. I work so fast I’m always finished

I’m not opinionated, I’m just always right!

I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?

~~~

”Security is mostly a superstition…Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

Helen Keller

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

 Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies. The editor is somewhat senile.

 This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal and https://raykiwsp.wordpress.com/ currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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