Ray's musings and humor

Ray has returned

Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice.

It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

William Jennings Bryan

~~~

 

 

 

I just got back from my assignment and have to leave again shortly for the day, so here we go again from out of yesteryear a dusty Ray’s Daily.

~~~

Ray’s Daily published on September 16, 2003

 

As some of you know I also send out travel tips to some fellow travelers. The following is so true I thought I should share it with everyone.

 

10 Things I Learned This Summer

I’ve spent many an hour in airports and airplanes this summer. Here’s ten things I learned.

1. I learned that some people – make that most people – shouldn’t wear shorts when traveling on airplanes.

2. I learned that my shoes pose a threat to passenger security in San Jose but not in Dallas, and that I need "a government issued ID" to board a plane in Seattle but not in Fort Myers.

3. I learned that many travelers are sporting tattoos, the cost of which would have been better spent on liposuction or, better yet, a good pair of running shoes.

4. I learned that kids don’t belong in airports and for sure not on airplanes. If parents want junior to spend some time with granny, granny should be the one on a plane.

5. I learned that "muscle shirts" are misnamed.

6. I learned that a minute – as in "Folks, we will be boarding in just a minute" – means up to a half hour or more in airlinespeak.

7. I learned that baseball caps worn backwards cover smaller brains than those worn forward.

8. I learned that not all travelers bathe regularly.

9. I learned that many airline gate agents still treat their customers poorly… sometimes very poorly.

10. I learned that halter tops are more honestly named than those muscle shirts.

By Dr. Terry Riley a psychologist and travel security authority. He is author of the popular book Travel Can Be Murder.

~~~

Travel makes a wise man better, and a fool worse

Thomas Fuller

~~~

"You Know You Work In Corporate America If:"

You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

"Communication" is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home from work.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.

You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss’ favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you’re freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

Change is the norm.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

~~~

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

~~~

While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny’s Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites. Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

"My name is Kilroy. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.

"Johnny".

"My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked.

Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy’s a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Kilroy.

Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."

~~~

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

~~~

Moshe and Miriam, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Miriam’s water broke on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Moshe wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver. The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?"

~~~

Why are you "in" a movie, but you’re "on" TV?

~~~

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn’t allowed.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"That’s OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

~~~

"People will forget what you say, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

~~~

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately.  He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance.  A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I’m not in Heaven, dear."

~~~

"On cable TV they have a weather channel – 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window."

 

Dan Spencer

~~~

Two men meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"

The other replies: "I’m fine, thanks."

"And how’s your son? Is he still unemployed?"

"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."

"Meditating? What’s that?"

"I don’t know. But it’s better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

~~~

Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow, it empties today of strength.

Corrie ten Boom

~~~

Stay well, do good work, and have fun.

 

Ray Mitchell

 Indianapolis, Indiana

Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.

The editor is somewhat senile.

 

This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.

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