It’s another one of those full days today. A dental appointment, my semi-weekly blood draw, a Persian Gulf lecture, and a Council on World Affairs dinner will leave little time for much including the always desirable mid-day nap. Yep, you got it; I am substituting a past Daily instead of creating something more scatterbrained then usual.
Ray’s Daily first published on May 19, 2005
I realize that humor isn’t for everyone.
It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
Anne Wilson Schaef
Ain’t that the truth. I just realized that over the past few weeks I have gotten awfully solemn in the daily. After rereading some of the stuff I got to worrying that I might be taking myself too seriously. Fortunately most of you know that my faults preclude any serious positioning. It’s like the guy said, it is too bad that you don’t think you are special, even though you are not.
That famous doctor, Dr. Seuss, once said, “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.” I am sure Dr. Seuss meant including ourselves.
Going through life always playing the part of someone else is not nearly as much fun as just letting go and being yourself. We should never take ourselves too seriously, if we do we will miss out on all the fun. One nice thing about doing something dumb or embarrassing, is that once we do it we no longer have to prove ourselves to others, they will already know we are human. If you are too perfect you may scare away people who find perfection either frightening or boring.
So drop everything, break a heel, lose a button, forget to zip up, and do something fun, outrageous, or just silly. When you do you can say to the world, “Damn you, I am not going to let you get me down, I am looking for the good times and you better not stand in my way.”
All animals, except man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we’ve never subscribed to any papers!"
The only thing that men will brag about theirs being smaller than another man’s is his cell phone.
Over a pleasant evening meal Bill, John and Doug were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.
Doug said that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.
Bill snickered, looked completely aghast and commented, "For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery."
John replied, "For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn’t care what you look like."
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign speech to be under oath?
The Classifieds If you see this describing a man, here’s what it really means:
40-ish – 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic – Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking – Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Educated – Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit – Sleeps with your sister
Fun – Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking – Arrogant
Honest – Pathological Liar
Huggable – Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle – Insecure, overly dependent
Mature – Until you get to know him
Open-minded – Wants to sleep with your sister
Physically fit – I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet – Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual – Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable – Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful – Says "please" when demanding a beer
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father"
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that".
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many".
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive, so I’m headed for the bar anyway…it never hurts to be safe.
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Rifka and Beckie were talking about their children. Rifka asked Beckie how her daughter was.
"Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Rifka replied, "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."
Beckie continued, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
"A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer," Rifka exclaimed, "OY VEY! All these blessings from just one daughter!"
"Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine."
Anthony J. D’Angelo
Stay well, do good work, and have fun.
Management is not responsible for duplicates from previous dailies.
The editor is somewhat senile.
This daily is sent only to special people who want to start their day on an upbeat. If you have system overload because of our daily clutter, let me know and I will send you the information via mental telepathy. If you have not been getting our daily you can join at http://groups.google.com/group/Rays-Daily. Back issues are posted at http://raykiwsp.multiply.com/journal currently there are about 2000 readers from around the world.